When Anger Is The Easiest Way

February 23, 2009

I used to be a very angry person. I wasted two years or so on allowing a poisonous emotion to get hold of me. How embarrassing.

Finding strength in anger

It wasn’t trivial. I think the culmination was that we were forced to sell our farm, and a great deal more besides. I was furious with the world for having taken away what my husband had taken 18 hours a day for 25 years to accomplish. I felt sorry for him. I was afraid that we would lose our home. I felt sorry for myself, plain and simple.

Anger is easier than confusion, fear, and hurt. It gives you enormous strength. It was also the easiest reaction, the “all-about-me “ comeback. Maybe it came from exhaustion. You don’t always have the energy to devise imaginative solutions. It’s easier to pretend that you’re born with a certain personality and you can’t control it, any more than where your freckles are.

It becomes a habit, part of your self-identity. It becomes too comfortable. It’s your crutch, always there when you need it, just waiting for you to call. It’s your new security blanket.

Defining point

Eventually, I refused to recognize that anything good could happen. If it did, I’d feel compelled to add some grudge comment like “Well, it won’t last”.

I had to reach for some kind of other feeling. We all know what that angry woman looks like, inside and out. Sometimes she’s very young. She trusts no one. She’s easily provoked. She’s quick to assign blame and can find fault anywhere. She looks for things to flare over so she can keep the fire stoked. Once the flame starts to go down, the fear of having to take a close look at herself is too destabilizing.

We have watched that too many times and seen what it does to her. It wears her down, keeps her alone, and kills her slowly. I recognize this woman now because I used to be her. It’s like writing about being a teenager… I remember it but I can’t fully understand anymore. When I meet her, I don’t know how to help her.

Anger became her relief valve (and her revenge valve) on a world that didn’t come through. Now, she’s worn out from fighting all the time, though her opponent is usually herself. She drains others of energy because she can’t contain all her anger and some sneaks out irrationally now and again. People are careful around her, and pretty soon, they sidestep coming round at all. She keeps them on eggshells to avoid her nasty remarks. She learned that power play so she got treated gently and her fragility was respected.

If she’s not mad at the world for failing her, then she’s mad at everyone around her for not doing what she thinks they should. Internal conversations are bent on getting them to see things her way. She imagines the world is trying to hone in on the remains of her little piece of the pie and she’s going to protect it if it kills her.

Releasing

I had to choose. It takes big energy to maintain that level of bitterness and exclude all that is good in the world. I was becoming someone I didn’t want to be. Rage excuses habits in the treatment of others that discredits Your Deeper Self, the real you. Feeding fury is self-defeating.

I forced myself to think about what was good. I didn’t begin seeing much of it but there was always something. For a year, all I said was “There’s food in the fridge, the house is heated, the family is fine. I have everything I need.”

This goes beyond composure and restraint. Serenity comes from a deeper spring where no time is given to judging whether the world meets our expectations. We all worry about something but this moment, right now, is sufficient.

We know that angry woman. Don’t be her. Anger and disappointment are the most aging things out there.

Every hand’s a winner and every hand’s a loser. It just depends what you do with it.

Posted by Christine Scaman | Filed Under Happiness

Comments

8 Responses to “When Anger Is The Easiest Way”

Mary Ann on February 23rd, 2009 5:55 pm

Fabulous, brave post.
karen on February 23rd, 2009 10:16 pm

Wonderful and courageous… I’m so glad you outgrew your anger…so you could bless us all with your insights…
Cathy Holman on February 23rd, 2009 11:00 pm

Thank you for writting on such an honest level. I was also sngry for many years, it only hurt myself. One day it came to me that it only hurt me. So I let it go. No I haven’t forgiven them, I let it go. They will no longer comtrol my life. But I needed to think about it for a long time and understand that they can only do that as long as I let them. A long hard lesson to learn, but I did learn it.
Janice on February 24th, 2009 3:12 am

Very well written and on target! When you reach an age when you realize that you have more years behind you then ahead of you, all of these issues and points and principles don’t seem to hold the same weight as they did once upon a time. So many people tell me they can’t let go of their anger. I ask them to write down what they are angry about…put the paper in a box…throw the box away and feel the lift of not carrying around all that extra baggage. None of us are promised tomorrow so make sure today is the way you’d spend your last day with your loved ones…identify what matters and who matters and the rest falls into place. Thanks for all you do for all of us!

“we are all spiritual beings having a human experience.”
Debbie on February 24th, 2009 6:04 am

WOW–thank you for sharing. A real eye-opener.
Christine Scaman on February 24th, 2009 12:25 pm

Hi, everyone,

I’ve learned, somewhat accidentally, that writing is a way of releasing. In the beginning, it just forces you to decide what you think about something because it’s surprisingly hard to put in writing a belief that is not genuine to you (just as Janice says).

Through the process, you gain a little distance and some objectivity, and those help as well. I remember the 2 years of feeling that anger but I really couldn’t conjure it today if I had to. It’s left me with a peace and an outlook that I couldn’t have reached any other way. It helped me define my borders very clearly.

Thank you all for the comments.
Holly Grasse on February 25th, 2009 9:05 pm

Hi
Excellent posting. i struggle with anger all the time and now I see my daughter struggling with it. I know I need to change the dynamics and quick. However, I do feel I can talk to her about her anger after her blow up, much more than I remember talking about my anger when I was younger. (Tell me that means something)

I find I use my husband as a reason to be angry but it is like you wrote, the anger is just wanting an excuse to be release. I am trying to be more aware, making mental notes, controlling it. It is a process but I do think I have discovered a few insights.
THanks for this.
Christine Scaman on March 1st, 2009 5:48 pm

You and me both, Holly. I’ve left behind the huge anger of those 2 bad years, but day to day still gets away from me. And I also direct much of my anger at my husband. If only I could stay home more, I’d be happier… If only he’d support my dreams like I supported his, I’d he happier… Then, it becomes a stalemate. It can go for days. Not pretty.
Your daughter and I – I see a lot of similarity sometimes. That same ruthlessness with people’s emotions if our cage gets rattled. I’ve been fortunate that life sent me friends who taught me to think of the feelings of others before I choose my words or actions.
I’m in a cynical time right now, maybe you can tell, so I really am trying to keep it together. You’re completely right, it is a process.