RSSTIME FOR YOURSELF EVERY DAY
October 5, 2007
Why do we feel we need permission?
Why is it that so many women, across all levels of income, education and family status have such difficulty taking time for themselves every day? Why do we feel so guilty when we make massage appointments that we just end up canceling them? To say nothing of watercolor painting, meditation, quilting … is it the money or the time that we can’t get around? Not only are we reluctant to take time that is not geared either towards doing our jobs or looking after our families, but we feel we have to justify the time we do take. We feel that someone else has to agree that this is a permissible activity, and agree enthusiastically, and even take a little time to convince us that for the good of all, we MUST take this time.
Is there any point in asking why women have such trouble with this? Is it that our jobs contribute less income, and even if they don’t , we’ve been trained to think that they do? Do we feel we haven’t paid our way? Do we believe that looking after children and homes cannot be as demanding as going to work each day and therefore we haven’t earned our own space and time? Whatever. It’s a combination of social indoctrination about what a woman’s role is ( and what it is not) and the nature of women themselves. We end up living our lives as swirling storms of resentment.
What we can learn from men
Men don’t have this hang-up. They’ve been raised to believe their contribution is important enough that they deserve whatever entertainment attracts them. When they have the inclination to take a break or take a trip, there is no consideration on any level of consciousness as to whether they are worthy. And they sure don’t come home saying “ I really shouldn’t have” or “ I feel physically sick when I think of what it cost”.
Men will not think about your spirit, your spare time, … Why should they? They look after theirs, why can’t you look after yours? It’s not their fault if you fuss about everyone else’s needs but your own, and they can’t see a way to help you with that, so they just accept it as a fact. Men very simply announce their plans and expect the everyone else to adjust themselves accordingly – and of course they do. If you absolutely expect that something will happen, to the point that no other outcome is possible, and you’ve played it your head many times before it happens in the real world, then it will happen. Women, on the other hand, hope that the Universe will notice that they need a break but feel miserable until one is offered. All that brings is more misery.
And yet, I think the guys would help us if they could figure out how. Within a few years of having kids, most of them notice that if the mother is happy, everyone is happy. If the mother is not happy, noooobody is happy. The woman is the emotional pivot in the family, and the men are grateful for it because now, they don’t need to be. Having never experienced it, having no concept of how that might feel, they do not know that it wears you down. Every woman knows it, though.
It is YOUR right and YOUR responsibility
You have a right and responsibility to pursue your own physical health. Why is your mental well-being less important? If anything, it matters more because it’s the source of every single thought and action that you put out into the world, YOUR world. You know this to be true. Forget about whether you make as much money, or your job is easier, or whatever the source of the struggle is. Every human being is entitled and required to enrich their spirit if they are to gain any measure of happiness, let alone expansion. You don’t have to justify your choice, not even to yourself.
Be mindful of the company you choose to keep
If you spend time with people who reinforce the resentments, love to participate in the bitch sessions, think of every reason why a plan may not work out, you know what? Lose them. Spend your precious time with the people who, when you tell them about pursuing your dreams say “Yeah, so what’s been holding you back? Nothing that I can see”.
Practice in small steps to make big changes
As I read this article, I sound like I’m an expert at this, like it comes easily to me. Forget that. I’m like all of you reading this now. I’ve wondered why the people around me didn’t get it and didn’t care. But I PRACTICED. In the beginning, the changes and assertiveness came from a position of anger. That was fatiguing and I couldn’t really enjoy my free time when I felt I had to fight for it. I needed to approach it from a place of peace and well-being. So I did. So can you.
Don’t begin with a week away, start with 2 hrs. Don’t let anyone talk you into taking them along for the fun. You get there by yourself, you spend the time alone, and you reflect on what it means to you to have a human spirit and what yours is telling you to do next. It’s right there for you, but it gets drowned out by the every day noise. It will get louder and easier to hear if you let it speak to you without constant interruption or suppression.
A project in two parts
So, take a step: book the massage. Take the trip. Spend time each day drawing. Take a yoga class. Do it because it makes you feel good. Take time convincing yourself that no other reason matters and no other reason can be as important as this one. You don’t need to tell anyone about it. They won’t get it anyway; only you get it. Only you need to.
You will feel the most resistance at the moment you’re closest to acting out your plans. A thousand reasons why this is a bad idea will flood your head. Be ready for them. Push them out. Or let them hang around but consider them to be untruths. They are about how your life used to be BEFORE, but now things have changed. Decide ahead of time that those excuses and defenses will come and they will be irrelevant.
No guilt, ever
Now, take one more step (it’s more important than the first): no guilt, no regrets. None. They go out of your head as soon as they come in. You have to be vigilant. You have to have other better thoughts pre-formed and ready to replace them the moment you notice them sneaking around up there trying to latch on to something.
Remember, it’s your movie. What you believe in your head is what is, and you absolutely can and do control what’s in your head. What’s more, like every other thing in life that you do a lot, you can get really really good at it. Now that’s powerful.
Comments
2 Responses to “TIME FOR YOURSELF EVERY DAY”
Got something to say? I hope so.
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A Greener Tea
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If only all women would think like that! Unfortunately, most of the ladies I know are the “guilty” type, regardless their earnings, or children, or other achievements.
Hi, Simonne,
It is so true - and although I wrote the words above, I know how very difficult it is to live them. Even after 15 years of marriage and 3 kids, I still can let myself slide into those old ways. I guard against it all the time.
Thanks so much for your comment,
Christine