RSSThe Best Thing About Aging 4
April 25, 2010
We can believe that we self-create, co-create (The Secret), or God-create (The Bible). Whichever polarity feels best, the value proposition remains the same.
Read moreLetting Things Be Easy
January 8, 2010
Do I do it too? What am I making be hard?
Revealing answer : “This is how Karen felt watching me trying to register a business name and deal with Revenue Canada!” I was all in a fluff and she was thinking “Why are you MAKING this be hard?”
Book Review : Secrets of Six-Figure Women
March 1, 2009
Like many women, understanding any aspect of finance, wealth, or investment by staring at charts and graphs gets me nowhere. Women don’t learn that way. It makes our eyes glaze over, causing the male financial advisor across the table to conclude that we’re bored or too dumb to get it.
Presenting information to us in the way that is effectively presented to men does not work. Bring on the female financial advisors who can explain in pictures, or with stories, and we’ll get it. Women care about money. We may attach odd values to it, but we especially want to look after those we love. We don’t want to be in the dark, but there is a linguistic issue here.
Armed with knowledge and understanding, women will become very powerful in dealing with money (and probably bigger risk-takers than the men). In fact, the more knowledge women have about a topic, the better and more confident their decision-making. Think about this : is the same true for men? I think it’s the reverse, actually.
Barbara Stanny’s book, Secrets of Six-Figure Women: Surprising Strategies To Up Your Earnings And Change Your Life, first published in 2002, does not contain any stock charts. It’s not even about how to invest or manage your money. It enters the picture sooner than that, with how to make the money in the first place by creating an inner change. Fulfillment and empowerment, with very practical and realistic advice on how to get there, are the biggest landmarks on the road to financial success.
Stanny is the daughter of Richard Bloch, one of the founders of H&R Block. Her first husband lost her trust fund through bad investments, leaving her with huge bills and no knowledge of finance. She was forced to face up to a common trait of inherited wealth, namely big insecurity about her ability to support herself. Her journey is recorded in her first book Prince Charming Isn’t Coming : How Women Get Smart About Money , and this one.
Barbara Stanny
For Secrets Of Six Figure Women, Stanny began by interviewing hundreds of women in many income brackets, searching for traits that were common among the high (and low) earners. If you take a group of equally bright, equally educated, very capable women, why is it that some of them will always struggle financially while other will earn ever-rising amounts? Is there a shared set of characteristics that can be found repeatedly among women earning more than $250,000 per year?
Turns out that there are at least 7. And since they’re not personality traits, but rather ways of guiding decision-making, they can be learned.
This is really about finding that thing that you were born to do with love and passion, whether you are paid or not, and from there gaining the self-esteem to charge what you’re worth. Lessons in uncovering your own set of underlying values, in not being a victim, in finding gratitude for obstacles, and so many of the thoughts that resonate strongly with women, are found here.
There are chapters on facing fear and declaring intention, about pulling away the safety net, and about negotiating on your own behalf. The information comes to you through stories about how other women cope with these issues, how they succeeded and how they failed, and what they learned from it.
There is some great advice to be found on speaking up for yourself. This is probably the spot where women are weakest. The biggest reason that men make more money for the same job is this : THEY ASK for it. Until you learn to take yourself seriously, nobody else will either. Learning to do this can be extremely intimidating for girls and for women. Most of us need all the help we can get at using our elbows.
Chapter 11 is entitled Claiming Our Power. With some thoughts about how women lost it in the first place, and continue to give it up to keep the peace instead of compete, and finishing with some beautifully motivating words about taking up your own space to the fullest, Stanny has written a book that any woman who is thinking about her life will find great meaning in. You’ll read many sections that you’ll feel were written for you personally. What would it be like to be at the center of your world and have all the rest spin around you for a change, instead of whirling around the periphery of the lives of everybody else all the time?
This is entirely action-oriented. She knows that failure, rejection, debt, insecurity, and mortgage bills exist but small change is still change. What she really says is this : Women hold themselves back by believing that avoiding stress and responsibility is pro-family. I do that. I know more women who choose this avenue on purpose for this reason. I’m beginning to see that Big doesn’t look like I think it does. Big is where the choices are.
So many of us can feel another woman living inside us that the world has never seen. We keep her buried because we don’t have time to become her, or think about what she’s like, and besides, we’re a little afraid of her. We feel the things she could be, but she’s so far away from the day-to-day role we play that we don’t know where to start. Whether you become a high-earner or not, Secrets Of Six-Figure Women will help you discover Your Deeper Self.
Have a look at Barbara’s blog. She posts about once a month, but it is worth reading. This is money and life advice written for the way women understand and learn. My favorite entry, at the end of this page, is entitled “Fear Got You Stuck?” In it is a line I’ve repeated to myself a thousand times :
What would you do if you weren’t afraid?
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Presenting information to us in the way that is effectively presented to men does not work. Bring on the female financial advisors who can explain in pictures, or with stories, and we’ll get it. Women care about money. We may attach odd values to it, but we especially want to look after those we love. We don’t want to be in the dark, but there is a linguistic issue here.
Read moreThe Pill or Mirena
October 18, 2008
Women have written to me suggesting that I live in a delusional rosy bubble. Their lives are difficult, everyone’s life is difficult, aging is not easy, and why am I presenting such an unrealistic view of the world?? “Like, if we could really do something about it, we would have already”, is the implication.
I receive other letters where women share their reasons for reading this site. Most often, I hear the words “relevant” and “feel better about myself”. Now that’s pretty encouraging since it’s exactly what I’m trying to do. There are many excellent health and beauty blogs, many. But they’re not about us once we’re over 40 or so.
I very much live in the real world. I have no beef with celebrity, except that they’re not real. They are at best a diversion whose earning status greatly exceeds their contribution to society. Their chateaux, their surgeons and dentists, their nannies, their divorces, whatever. Got nothing to do with anyone I know. They’re bugs in bottles. Yet, they’re the standard I’m supposed to measure myself against. Spare me. I’ve given birth 3 times and breastfed 3 children. Let’s calm down and honor the right things.
Bleeding
So, this is what’s been going on with me. With no irregularity exceeding 4 days before this episode, the period that was due September 11 was 5 days late. Bill had a vasectomy 10 years ago, but I still get freaked out. Pregnancy test was negative so I really didn’t care if it ever started. Once it began, it was heavier than usual for 5 days, but not more than anything I’d ever had. It tried to stop for a day or two, then started up again in huge volumes with no sign of stopping for days.
I figured it was pre-menopausal and would stop eventually, but it just got heavier. I felt fine but I finally dragged myself to the doctor because it’s hard to see appointments with blood clots pouring out of you and blood running down your leg. Hey, this is real life, right? I have an aversion to pretense. And I would challenge any male to tell me that having his blood dripping out the end of his penis would not cause him to be a little distracted at the office.
MD (a wonderful woman our age) sends me packing to Emerg. where I spent an afternoon that alternated between hours of sheer boredom and moments of near terror, or at least intense discomfort – not unlike performing anesthesia, for any of you who have done it.
The diagnoses
What are the possibilities?
1) Fibroid tumour > not likely with a normal ultrasound (I only had a moderately thickened uterine lining which could be normal during a period)
2) Polyp > also unlikely with normal ultrasound
3) Cancer > not common but possible; we come back to this one.
4) Pre-menopause > very likely. I’m 48.
Stopping the blood
Job 1 is get the bleeding to stop because my Hemoglobin is 20 points less than it should be. Not transfusion-worthy, but enough to tire you. This is accomplished with high doses of Estrogen (Es). Remember the old style Birth Control Pills (BCP) we took 20 years ago? We took 1 a day. I was to take 2 every 8 hours. Within 2 doses, I’m vomiting like a chemo patient (it was so strange – I could feel that it was the drug making this happen), but the gushing blood and clots dried to up to NOTHING!!! Now this is fascinating when it’s not happening to your body. Anyhow, I tapered off the high dose estrogen and was at 1 per day within 7 days, and doing well. Was I disturbed to be taking these doses of estrogen Es and progesterone (Pr)? Shit, yes, but my choice was hemorrhage. This pill is called Ovral.
Well, what do you do when you’re sick these days? You sit home with your blankie (as an adult your blankie equates to a Do Not Disturb sign) and read about yourself on the net. Then you take all your new-found, context-less knowledge to your doctor and tell him what’s wrong with you. You can tell he’s heard this before, but he’s open-minded and will go around once or twice if his waiting room isn’t packed.
I now try to go off high dose estrogen/progesterone, after 10 dry days. Along comes a spider, because 2 days later, the blood has started up again, but light. The plan was to try an extremely low dose BCP called Alesse. Ya, well, it didn’t gush but it was getting heavier by the day. Off the the GYN I go.
Here’s a great guy. For 25 years, this man has spent his nights elbow-deep in placenta and his days listening to women who won’t stop bleeding, and still loves his job, respects his patients, and cares about women’s bodies. A find, this guy is, and delightfully no nonsense. Vets don’t have the luxury of doing a thousand medical tests and we relate better to doctors who cut to the chase.
GYN does an in-office biopsy, minor deal. That’s to see if it’s cancer. If it is, you’re off for a hysterectomy. And may I say that if I have cancer, with the amount of green tea and turmeric that goes through me, I will never eat broccoli again.
Cycles without ovulations
If it’s not, it seems the most likely is what are called “anovulatory cycles”. It’ s complicated.
Normally, in the first 14 days of your cycle, a follicle is getting ready to ovulate, so Estrogen is climbing, growing a uterine lining. Now your ovary release the egg. In the second 14 days, Progesterone is climbing to keep the uterine lining healthy. Pr is also the PMS culprit. Then your period starts and the lining is shed. As the next follicle grows, Estrogen climbs again, it stops your bleeding and the next cycle begins.
Having occasional cycles with no actual follicle or ovulation is just part of early menopause in all women. In me, the problem appears to be that on this cycle, there’s not enough Estrogen to stop the bleeding. There’s more to it of course, but this is why feeding me Estrogen got the blood to stop pouring out. Well, that was the easy part. Now what?
A choice among evils
BCP come in different strengths. Ovral is 50 times your body’s natural Es and Pr ; some BCP are 6 times; Alesse is 2 times your physiologic levels. If I understand my two choices, the first is Alesse which will probably bring the cycles back under control but it may be 3 months of bleeding before that happens. Remember that this is not the same as Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT), where you’re given supplemental Es for the symptoms of menopause. That’s a whole ‘nother kettle of fish.
The other choice is a Mirena IUD. It releases micro doses of Pr in the uterus.
Pros for Mirena:
1) no Es at all – this is the hormone associated with stroke and blood clots, so this is a huge plus, particularly if you smoke or have a tendency to clot
2) tiny dose Pr – so minimal side effects, minimal PMS-iness
3) 30% of women have no period at all
4) can be removed in 5 years by which time I should be done menopause completely !!!! think of it – potentially no period ever again! not that its’ a big thing when they’re normal, just a messy inconvenience. Torrential, however, is a big inconvenience.
5) usually good control of excessive bleeding
Cons for Mirena:
1) pain and cramping for 24hrs when inserted, though less in women who have had children and are beyond using it for birth control
2) still some exposure to synthetic hormone
3) sometimes uncomfortable – but can always be removed
4) only been on the market 5 years, so not much long term experience
What about a D&C? Works for 2-3 months. Even aggressively done, only 40% or so of the lining can be removed, leaving plenty of abnormal tissue in there.
Endometrial ablation ? Here, the uterine lining is scarred down, so no periods in some women, mild in others. Sounds great. BUT, if ever you develop anything that could be cancer, you can’t biopsy an ablated uterus. You have a hysterectomy whether you have cancer or not, because they can’t tell by biopsy. So some women get hysterectomies who didn’t really need them.
Natural progesterones as creams or nasal sprays or pills like Prometrium? We’d all pick this one. Some women I know swear their cycles go better when they use them in the last 14 days. Others find no effect or PMS effects, presumably because they have enough Pr of their own. The snag is that I have to get the bleeding to stop before I can think about these. I asked both my MD and GYN and they admitted to not being very familiar with them, and having concerns about controlling the hormone levels in the body where absorption varied between women.
Sugar. Lots of it.
I am aware that there are worse things out there than what I’ m going through. But I know what worn down and discouraged feels like too. If ever I come across as glib and synthetic, it’s not my intention or my reality. The hard times are hard. Everyone’s a nice guy when things are going the right way. What kind of guy am I when things are going awry? Not such a great one. Supper last night was French Fries and Oreos.
I haven’t had a fry in about 12 years. It was kind of strange. Makes me wonder what the fuss is about, but I guess I’ve outgrown it. I do happen to be in possession of one of my favorite substances on earth, that being a can of pure Quebec Amber maple syrup, and I may wind up doing myself some harm with it. Or at least find the juice to get through next week. I’m already wondering what the gifts- to- self will be.
The absolute best maple syrup.
If I have an aversion to pretense, I have a bigger aversion to indecision so I have to pick one. In my head, Mirena makes the most sense by far. If it works well, it could potentially be the very best option, even if it only stays in 2 years. I’ve read a thousand horrid experiences with it. Without diminishing each woman’s suffering, were you told a thousand nightmares about delivery when you got pregnant and none came true? Your encounter with it is very much your own. I must look at this the same way. Do any of you have any familiarity? I’m so hoping to hear many good things about Mirena.
A sincere thank you to Michelle M., whose e-mail on this Saturday made my whole week better. 
We are all so connected and have so much of our incredible strength to share with one another. Women are and will be each other’s salvation. We help our sisters cope when no one else can.
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Women have written to me suggesting that I live in a delusional rosy bubble.
I receive other letters where women share their reasons for reading this site. Most often, I hear the words “relevant” and “feel better about myself”.
I very much live in the real world. I have no beef with celebrity, except that they’re not real.
Here’s what’s been going on with me this month.
Hold Your Ground
September 27, 2008
Exercise is a great metaphor for life. How you look is the minor payoff. The grand prize is its effect on how you think.
The mind-over-body challenge provides an ongoing simulation of asserting an intention and meeting the challenge at every workout. You have to dominate the demon that would keep you sitting on the couch. Get used to conquering demons and pretty soon, they start looking puny. Face down an obstacle every day and overcoming obstacles becomes familiar territory.
The expression “Hold Your Ground” has real meaning in movement, as well as being an analogy for strength and determination.
Literally, pull the ground
It means to grip the ground beneath your feet. Grip the ground when you move, like the tread on a bulldozer, and pull yourself along it. The ground you stand on? You own it.
I bought an elliptical machine at Canadian Tire. It was $299, on sale for 119 ( yes, 119, not 199!). Seemed like a good deal, with just-warmer-than-lukewarm reviews on the CT site. I agree with the reviewers who said the stride is short. But that’s not a bad thing. This feels more like running than stair-climbing or elliptical work. My body deeply dislikes running, and my knees abhor it. This is a great way to get the huge toning and calorie burn of running without the pain. 85% of the reviewers agreed that it was worth it for the price and I concur. Watch your CT flyers, women!
If you kickbox, picture being hard to tip over and impossible to lift up. It means you have to consciously set and harden your pelvic muscles. You can’t solidify your entire body from your legs alone. It has to come from deep in your middle.
If you remember the article Where Strength Begins : Hold Your Body Together, you’ll have seen the analogy of the cross hairs of a rifle in your pelvis (spine Y axis, Earth and Water line X axis). Tighten along the crosshairs and hold the whole thing together. Don’t let it rock unless you’re in control of it.
Take a few Pilates classes. Learn how all movement begins and is empowered from your pelvis. Once you get how to do this, your limbs work smarter, not harder, because the power is coming from your core. Your limbs are then free to move with more grace and yet, more force. A powerful, rock-solid center is the origin for everything you do – in your head as well as your body. Imagine yourself hard to displace.
Here are a couple of brilliant ones with excellent instruction. Both are linked to their page at Collage Video.
Play with your feet
When only one foot meets the floor, feel the ground connecting with the entire surface of a strong, relaxed, and conscious foot. Feel your foot spread out and give your weight to it. Think about a secure, broad, comfortable foot. Have you ever really thought about how your feet connect to the ground? It’s a very calming thing to do and great for balance.
Anytime you leave the ground, land like Catwoman. We all remember the old record players in our parents’ living rooms, right? When you land, don’t let the needle skip. To do that, you have to tighten your pelvic and leg muscles before you land. Land softly, soundlessly, but securely. Much easier on the joints too.
Figuratively
Visualize these sensations as determination and resolve to get what you want. Whatever gets in the way better move because you don’t intend to. Be as steady metaphorically as you are literally.
Know the calm place in your mind that allows your body to find balance. Practice clearing your mind to make yourself secure. The inner calm that leads to mental stability will also be found faster each time you search for it. That sensation is stored in the same place in your head, whether the situation is mental or physical.
Visualize your foundation deeply rooted in the earth. I lose this when I wear heels. I feel wavering and erratic in my movements and how I think others see me. Though they can look nice if you’re standing or sitting, I seldom wear them. I expect it comes with practice but unless the shoe has a solid heel and comfortable toe, well…too often, the walk looks pinched and wobbly, not empowered. It sends the wrong message.
On the front page of the Allure magazine site, there’s a poll asking whether you feel more powerful in heels. 85% of women do! That’s interesting because they don’t look it.
Develop a strong core. Once the center is empowered, whether in movement or life, the actions that follow can be stronger, tougher, and more intense.
Gains, mental and physical, are guaranteed.
--> Exercise is a great metaphor for life. How you look is the minor payoff. The grand prize is its effect on how you think.
Hold your ground means to grip the ground beneath your feet. Grip the ground when you move, like the tread on a bulldozer, and pull yourself along it. The ground you stand on? You own it. The determination you need to get what you want? You own that too.
Advice For Girls Of All Ages
September 5, 2008
-->1. Never let a boy tell you what you think. Let yourself graduate.
2. There are no last chances. No last chances to get in on a game. No last chances for amazing jobs. There is always another chance.
THIS MONTH IN DISCOVERY GIRLS : DARE YOURSELF TO FAIL
April 4, 2008
Embarking on the unknown road that will lead to success is not daunting. Not knowing what form that success might take is not demoralizing either. The real fear, the only fear, for me, lies in the event that I will walk this road to find that it leads nowhere.
Part of me fundamentally believes that that is not possible. My other part, hopefully a smaller size than the first, is not so sure. Though my intention is to shape my own future, rather than just react to the things that might happen to me, I’m not always operating at full intentional power.
THIS MONTH IN OPRAH : HOPE, HAPPINESS, AND MORE.
March 6, 2008
I enjoy reading Oprah when I’m in a waiting room but I seldom buy it. I don’t often connect with the topics. Dr. Phil, Suze Orman, retail items I can’t afford, US politics, solutions to problems I don’t have, celebrities I don’t care much about,… But in this issue, I found tons to interest me.
I bought the magazine for one article. “Shift Happens tells of the TED prize. $100,000 and the help to realize a dream are given to 3 people who must propose a world-changing wish.
HEY, UNIVERSE, ARE YOU IGNORING ME?
March 4, 2008
Where do you look when you lose your way? What happens when you’ve Trusted. Relaxed. Expected. You’ve stayed positive. You sincerely believed there would be a result for all your efforts. You would have gladly accepted any result, not necessarily the one you had in mind when you set out.
In the past (and in the present), there have been times when I have felt lost and unsure of myself. I remember feelings of frustration at not seeing the answer clearly and immediately before me. Looking back on these times, I realize that I was simply not ready for these answers.
DO YOU ALLOW SOMEONE ELSE TO CONTROL YOUR MONEY?
February 24, 2008
I recently published an article entitled What Does Money Mean To You? Through the public and private responses and conversations that came from that post, some of which you can see in the Comments following the article, I have become increasingly nervous about my understanding of our own family finances, which is somewhere below moderate. [...]
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