RSSWhat Women Have Learned
March 25, 2009
Women often send one another words and passages that were uplifting in their humor and their sadness. The balance speaks for the experience we live each day. We are the bearers of our family’s emotional weight. We shoulder the role of stewarding a society’s acceptable behaviors (to paraphrase Tracy’s insightful words), whether we fully realize it or not.
A long time ago, a reader sent me the following in an email. I regret that I can no longer find her name, but I kept the email and have read it many times. Perhaps many of you know it already. It is a beautiful reminder of the many things our everyday struggles have taught us. At the end of a day that feels miserable, you just have to keep living. For how long? Until a ball comes at you that you can’t hit back.
Maya Angelou was interviewed by Oprah on her 70th birthday. Oprah asked her what she thought of growing older.
[[ Right there on television, she said it was 'exciting.'
Regarding body changes; she said there were many, occurring every day...like her breasts. They seem to be in a race to see which will reach her waist first. The audience laughed so hard they cried.
Maya Angelou said this:
'I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.'
'I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.'
'I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.'
'I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as 'making a life.'
'I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.'
'I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back.'
'I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.'
'I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.'
'I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. '
'I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.'
'I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.'
Please pass this on -- you will boost another woman's self-esteem. If you don't...the elastic will break and your underpants will fall down around your ankles! ]]
Maya Angelou seems an enviably serene woman who radiates simple honesty. I expect that the notion that looking your age is not good enough was one of those things she threw back. More of us should do the same. You will be held in higher regard if you share your true human warmth than if you glow only from the surface of your perfect skin.
More recently, my dear friend, Gina, sent this. She knows I’m a terrible facebooker, but wanted to be sure that I saw it, so she e-mailed it direct.
These words, between a poem and a song, celebrate the small wonders for which we make time each day. Women are sisters and friends and soulmates and cheerleaders and we are each other’s beating hearts. We find ways to heal ourselves and each other with our truths and our deep connection to life’s most basic energies.
Alone, we can be frightened. We shortchange the value of our contribution to our homes and our workplaces. With two of us together, our bravery more than doubles. We can take on the world.
-->Women are sisters and friends and soulmates and cheerleaders and we are each other’s beating hearts. We find ways to heal ourselves and each other with our truths and our deep connection to life’s most basic energies.
Read moreBook Review : Secrets of Six-Figure Women
March 1, 2009
Like many women, understanding any aspect of finance, wealth, or investment by staring at charts and graphs gets me nowhere. Women don’t learn that way. It makes our eyes glaze over, causing the male financial advisor across the table to conclude that we’re bored or too dumb to get it.
Presenting information to us in the way that is effectively presented to men does not work. Bring on the female financial advisors who can explain in pictures, or with stories, and we’ll get it. Women care about money. We may attach odd values to it, but we especially want to look after those we love. We don’t want to be in the dark, but there is a linguistic issue here.
Armed with knowledge and understanding, women will become very powerful in dealing with money (and probably bigger risk-takers than the men). In fact, the more knowledge women have about a topic, the better and more confident their decision-making. Think about this : is the same true for men? I think it’s the reverse, actually.
Barbara Stanny’s book, Secrets of Six-Figure Women: Surprising Strategies To Up Your Earnings And Change Your Life, first published in 2002, does not contain any stock charts. It’s not even about how to invest or manage your money. It enters the picture sooner than that, with how to make the money in the first place by creating an inner change. Fulfillment and empowerment, with very practical and realistic advice on how to get there, are the biggest landmarks on the road to financial success.
Stanny is the daughter of Richard Bloch, one of the founders of H&R Block. Her first husband lost her trust fund through bad investments, leaving her with huge bills and no knowledge of finance. She was forced to face up to a common trait of inherited wealth, namely big insecurity about her ability to support herself. Her journey is recorded in her first book Prince Charming Isn’t Coming : How Women Get Smart About Money , and this one.
Barbara Stanny
For Secrets Of Six Figure Women, Stanny began by interviewing hundreds of women in many income brackets, searching for traits that were common among the high (and low) earners. If you take a group of equally bright, equally educated, very capable women, why is it that some of them will always struggle financially while other will earn ever-rising amounts? Is there a shared set of characteristics that can be found repeatedly among women earning more than $250,000 per year?
Turns out that there are at least 7. And since they’re not personality traits, but rather ways of guiding decision-making, they can be learned.
This is really about finding that thing that you were born to do with love and passion, whether you are paid or not, and from there gaining the self-esteem to charge what you’re worth. Lessons in uncovering your own set of underlying values, in not being a victim, in finding gratitude for obstacles, and so many of the thoughts that resonate strongly with women, are found here.
There are chapters on facing fear and declaring intention, about pulling away the safety net, and about negotiating on your own behalf. The information comes to you through stories about how other women cope with these issues, how they succeeded and how they failed, and what they learned from it.
There is some great advice to be found on speaking up for yourself. This is probably the spot where women are weakest. The biggest reason that men make more money for the same job is this : THEY ASK for it. Until you learn to take yourself seriously, nobody else will either. Learning to do this can be extremely intimidating for girls and for women. Most of us need all the help we can get at using our elbows.
Chapter 11 is entitled Claiming Our Power. With some thoughts about how women lost it in the first place, and continue to give it up to keep the peace instead of compete, and finishing with some beautifully motivating words about taking up your own space to the fullest, Stanny has written a book that any woman who is thinking about her life will find great meaning in. You’ll read many sections that you’ll feel were written for you personally. What would it be like to be at the center of your world and have all the rest spin around you for a change, instead of whirling around the periphery of the lives of everybody else all the time?
This is entirely action-oriented. She knows that failure, rejection, debt, insecurity, and mortgage bills exist but small change is still change. What she really says is this : Women hold themselves back by believing that avoiding stress and responsibility is pro-family. I do that. I know more women who choose this avenue on purpose for this reason. I’m beginning to see that Big doesn’t look like I think it does. Big is where the choices are.
So many of us can feel another woman living inside us that the world has never seen. We keep her buried because we don’t have time to become her, or think about what she’s like, and besides, we’re a little afraid of her. We feel the things she could be, but she’s so far away from the day-to-day role we play that we don’t know where to start. Whether you become a high-earner or not, Secrets Of Six-Figure Women will help you discover Your Deeper Self.
Have a look at Barbara’s blog. She posts about once a month, but it is worth reading. This is money and life advice written for the way women understand and learn. My favorite entry, at the end of this page, is entitled “Fear Got You Stuck?” In it is a line I’ve repeated to myself a thousand times :
What would you do if you weren’t afraid?
-->
Presenting information to us in the way that is effectively presented to men does not work. Bring on the female financial advisors who can explain in pictures, or with stories, and we’ll get it. Women care about money. We may attach odd values to it, but we especially want to look after those we love. We don’t want to be in the dark, but there is a linguistic issue here.
Read moreBook Review : The Art Of Possibility
November 3, 2008
There are many formulas for success. The one that’s chasing me lately is that success is tightly wrapped with finding the best in others, or, more exactly, letting them see their greatness for themselves. The idea is not new, but lately it’s everywhere I look. It’s so obvious that you feel like you’ve known it all along. This book, The Art of Possibility : Transforming Professional and Personal Life, is where I saw it first.
Ben
You will love Ben Zander. He overflows happiness. He reaches the better part of me the moment he begins speaking. For his great balance of tremendous skill, humility and wonder, Ben Zander is a human being that I adore.
Ben is a classical musician and conductor of the Boston Philarmonic Orchestra. His profound ability to awaken possibility in others has touched so many so deeply.
Sing along
Ben is generous and giving of himself emotionally, mentally, and physically. With movements that are expressive, and sometimes very big and fast, he captures your imagination about this potential you didn’t know you had. He’s had a roomful of hard-edged businessmen on their feet singing Ode To Joy. Strangely enough, he’s English, not a group often associated with effusive physical display.
Watch him on TED. Tell me your eyes don’t well up, tell me he doesn’t move you when he speaks. Here he’s overjoyed and you’re crying.
When you listen to him, it all seems so clear and easy. You wonder that you didn’t think of it before. I used to think music was a random emotional outpouring. Through him, I could see that it’s systematic almost to the point of being mathematical. You leave thinking how smart you are, not how dumb. He brings the masses to his subject and demystifies it.
YouTube him.
It dawned on Ben one day, that of the 600 musicians on the stage, the only one to make no sound is the conductor. He is not there to control his musicians, but to develop this tremendous skill that they walk with. He saw that it was his job is to make others shine. He sees himself as a facilitator or a conduit for the talent of others.
Ben flashes your musical ability, your enormous worth, your unique contribution back at you like a strobe till you feel like the undeniable creative genius that you, that we all, are. We can do this much for others everyday.
On his role as a teacher and our job to make a contribution, uploaded by kakujun.
Are you a facilitator or a show-off? As an educator, there are ample opportunities to make students feel small if you compare their knowledge to yours. Your choice is to let others celebrate their untapped promise.
Roz
Rosamund Stone Zander, Ben’s partner, has a behind-the-scenes presence, though hugely accomplished in her own right. She is a coach, a child and family therapist, and an expert in developing creativity and leadership programs for government and corporate groups.
She is also a landscape painter – and go look at these because they are impressive.
Ben and Roz Zander.
There is a fascinating article, but a long one, in Psychotherapy Networker .
When their marriage ended, the Zanders recognized that a human partnership can take many forms and need not end completely just because one aspect has ended. In fact, The Art Of Possibility originated with Roz and from the creative and business partnership she found with Ben when the marriage dissolved.
The interview with Ben and Roz at the end of the article is very in depth, but rewarding. Roz’s description of the difference between a Positive Thinker and a Possibility Thinker sticks with me. When Ben speaks of his transformation from a man focused on personal gains and success to the great humanitarian he has become, I am forced to re-evaluate the things I strive for.
In 2000, Ben and Roz collaborated on this book, whose byline is “Transforming Professional and Personal Life”. This was the first “character development” book that I read till the end. Books that tell me that all-you-need-is-love or that the-answer-resides-within-you don’t do it for me. It has to be grounded and practical, or it sure did back then. I’ve relaxed a little since (but not much).
Her great genius is in creating new ways of thinking about relationships. Like Ben, she is dedicated to living a life filled with possibility.
Roz illustrates with a brilliant analogy of falling out of a boat in a whitewater river. You can’t think your way back in using any data you already have. Nothing you know so far can help you find that boat in the roiling water. As frightening as it seems, creativity by desperation is liberating because you have to pull things out of yourself that could well have stayed buried. Feel-the–fear-do-it-anyway situations can be very much like this. All your usual guides are gone. The starting point is already an unfamiliar place and the further you go, the stranger it gets. The reward is that you get to someplace brand new.
Is your giving house in order?
The Zanders weave life experiences, musical metaphors, personal stories, and psychology into a beautiful web. Both are masterminds at viewing situations and relationships from new perspectives.
Here is what makes this book different : The Art Of Possibility is about personal empowerment found by shining your light outwards. In showing another person their great worth in a genuine way, your own light shines brighter and brighter. You are a blessing in the lives of others. Projecting your unique gifts into the thoughts and lives of the people you interact with gets your mind off YOUR stress, and YOUR goals, and YOUR dreams, yet somehow reveals your own answers in the process.
Instead of always striving for your own accomplishment, help someone else find theirs. You will absolutely change the course of your own existence. It’s so easy to do, and also so easy to forget to do it. It takes no time and no real effort, just attention to how you want to handle a dialogue before it begins. Decide to find the other person’s best self, not your own, and do it with everyone you meet.
What you give matters too. Giving away your money and time are not the point here, though they help you find success in a different way. Becoming generous with your tolerance, kindness, indulgence, interest, support, and enthusiasm for another person’s passion and peace of mind is the message. These will be returned to you in kind.
A great review, more about the book than the people, by Garr Reynolds can be found here, at the great blog Presentation Zen.
-->The Art Of Possibility is about personal empowerment found by shining your light outwards. In showing another person their great worth in a genuine way, your own light shines brighter and brighter. You are a blessing in the lives of others. Projecting your unique gifts into the thoughts and lives of the people you interact with gets your mind off YOUR stress, and YOUR goals, and YOUR dreams, yet somehow reveals your own answers in the process.
Read moreFEAR, FAILURE, AND THE VOICE OF WISDOM
May 3, 2008
In my years of working with women investors I have come to appreciate our ability to acknowledge and manage complex and intense emotion. Does this sound like the words of a psychologist or a financial advisor? I believe that you cannot advise people about their wealth and the market place without a strong understanding of human motivation and behaviour. This will become quite evident as we enter 2008 and experience periods of volatility.
Read moreHOW TO FIGHT WITH A MAN AND WIN
April 11, 2008
I have found that when you are going to confront the husband about whatever it might be, it is useful to have a strategy. My strategy is this: “I have decided that I do too much of the crap work in this house. I have also decided that it is now your job to take care of the garbage and recycle. I am no longer doing this job whether you do it or not”.
Read moreTHIS MONTH IN DISCOVERY GIRLS : DARE YOURSELF TO FAIL
April 4, 2008
Embarking on the unknown road that will lead to success is not daunting. Not knowing what form that success might take is not demoralizing either. The real fear, the only fear, for me, lies in the event that I will walk this road to find that it leads nowhere.
Part of me fundamentally believes that that is not possible. My other part, hopefully a smaller size than the first, is not so sure. Though my intention is to shape my own future, rather than just react to the things that might happen to me, I’m not always operating at full intentional power.
IS “FEEL THE FEAR, DO IT ANYWAY” WRONG?
March 8, 2008
Feel The Fear, Do It Anyway is the title of a great book by Susan Jeffers. For a long time, I used that phrase to guide my actions. I figured “You stay outside your comfort zone, you continue to beat down your demons.”
Then the Law of Attraction, or LoA, came along in the form of Esther and Jerry Hicks. You can read my article on their book, The Amazing Power of Deliberate Intent. That book did more to change my life than any other “self-help” book has
7 THINGS I’D SAY TO WOMEN IF I WERE ON OPRAH
November 20, 2007
1. You’re always enough for yourself. You don’t need anyone’s praise, reassurance, motivation, or encouragement. You have everything you need to accomplish your desire already in you. Let it have a louder voice.
2. You are so important. Your presence in the world means more to the people you contact than you can ever know.
3. Never [...]
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A Greener Tea
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