RSSThe True Summer Child
July 2, 2009
You don’t expect a whirling dervish to come out of someone who looks like Mrs. Claus. Anne of Green Gables … less of a reach. Cruella DeVil … still less. We instinctively expect a personality and a coloring to be associated because it so often works that way.
Read moreThe Best Skin Softening Treatment
March 19, 2009
Paula’s Choice Hydrating Treatment Mask is what you hope moisturizing masks will turn out to be when you buy them but somehow they never quite deliver. It leaves your skin the way you hope wonderful moisturizers will but with a more lasting effect. This mask is a hybrid of the most effective cream you’ve ever used and a fantastic softening mask. There is not a trace of greasiness. The feeling is more of drawing water from the air.
My skin is generally oily. I haven’t much need for hydrating masks. But there is no product that comes close to the performance of this one when
- I’ve gotten too exuberant with the exfoliants and my skin is very sensitive and a bit inflamed. Even my regular non-irritating products will sting, but not this wonderful stuff. Wear this for a couple of night and I promise you, your skin will feel baby-ish – moist, plumped, relaxed. It allows a very healing environment. Each morning, I can tell that my skin has healed significantly just overnight.
- It’s a case of sunburned skin, which should never happen but if you believe that, you don’t have children. The product applies very soft and velvety. It doesn’t sting, spreads easily, is not greasy or slippy, and feels calming and cooling to skin.
- I do my usual Skin Balancing Carbon Mask which is quite lovely in a green-black swamp mud sort of way. I place this around my eyes as an eye mask. I gob it on but it’s thick enough to not migrate into your eyes even if the mask is on an hour because you forgot it and the green stuff is crunchy and itchy but your book is so good you didn’t rinse it off. The consistency is of a thick cream, like DQ soft ice cream. It holds a formed swirly shape.
- My children had very very dry skin as toddlers and one still does to this day. Chlorinated pools are particularly offensive. You know those patches of scaly, itchy skin they get on their back? Nothing, and I mean nothing, solved the problem as well as this product. I tried Eucerin. Dormer. Keri. Shea. Akerat. Hydrocortisone. Curel. Lubriderm. Body Shop Butters, though I was averse to using something scented. This is the stuff they ask for. All 3 have a tube by their bed. They haven’t outgrown the dry chapped hands in winter tendency but we have the solution for all these problems.
- I want the best hand and foot cream I know. Sleeping with socks is more than I can bear but with this mask, I don’t need to because it stays put. I add a few drops of lavender or rose oil for this purpose only, barricade the door to my room, and dare someone to get me out of bed. Wear this at night and the Pure Mineral Sunscreen SPF 15 in the day and your kids will very soon stop telling you that you have old lady hands. These are 2 of the most skin-soothing products I know, no matter how sensitive or irritated the skin might be.
- You have a friend whose skin reacts to everything she puts on it. This is the only thing that doesn’t require a few days of indecision about whether it will irritate. She can tell almost immediately that it will be fine. She uses it as her everyday moisturizer. I was glad to give her some to try. I gave her the whole tube 4 days later. Many of you with reactive or sensitive skin will do the same when you see how your skin looks and feels after replacing your moisturizer with this for 3 days. (Of course, it contains no sunscreen so either you use that as well in the daytime, or just use this for a few nights and leave your day routine as is.)
- Your husband is going out with skin so dry that it looks like it has a layer of chalk on it. God knows why that would be after scrubbing his face with Irish Spring. It has no scent and it won’t get in his eyes or make his face shine. He can feel the effect so quickly that he figures he’s getting some bang for his buck. Thankfully, neither the bottle nor cream are peachy pink, so with the words turned towards the wall, the tube can live on his bathroom shelf.
It doesn’t apply thick and white and masky. It goes on invisibly in a thin layer and translucent in a thicker layer, but it’s not white like sunscreen can be. There is absolutely no color residue. It feels much more soft and velvety than any other cream or mask I know, including Paula’s other creams. The texture really is quite unique, more like whipped cream rather than oil. You can put makeup over it within 5 minutes if you want to and there would be no trace of color. I never ever rinse it off, though you could, like any mask.
I believe this is one of the superstars of Paula’s lineup, I really do.
Do you know that cleansers and toners are 25% off in March AND shipping is $3 on all orders? So, that’s Canadian money at par and free shipping from a US site. The next step is obvious. Lay in your summer supplies and pick up a tube of this mask. You will not regret it.
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Paula’s Choice Hydrating Treatment Mask is what you hope moisturizing masks will turn out to be when you buy them but somehow they never quite deliver. It leaves your skin the way you hope wonderful moisturizers will but with a more lasting effect. This mask is a hybrid of the most effective cream you’ve ever used and a fantastic softening mask. There is not a trace of greasiness. The feeling is more of drawing water from the air.
Read moreChristmas With Family
December 15, 2008
Why is it always right before a holiday that my weight is right where I want it? Back in September when I looked down at my body and wondered whose it was and how my head got attached to it, I thought I’d never feel my strength again. I believe there’s a 2 week setback headed our way.
And why is it that I handle stress so much better when my weight is in a decline, when I’m a little hungry all the time? I bet there’s a physiologic explanation but it eludes me. Kind of off topic, but still true. I wonder about it because the difference is dramatic.
Road trip!
In a van reeking of rose, which Bill won’t detect because his sense of smell only has 2 settings : Skunk / No Skunk , we’re driving to PEI. In a little minivan. With skates, snowsuits, gifts, and a lot of skin care products. If we get home without disease or accident, I consider family trips a fierce success.
The family is delighted with road trips. They eat junk food and watch movies for 20 hours. I am terribly bored. I try to do inner calming exercises. I listen to Josh’s Christmas CD. I’d go in the back and watch the movies but there’s no space. I’ve heard Star Wars Episode 3 eight times and never seen it once. The sounds are grotesque. This time, I bought The Golden Compass.
Once, ten years ago, we tried to drive all night. Oh, right. We were at the Ramada Inn by 10PM. The mother, the most pathetic one in the car, had her own room. Didn’t care if it cost $400 a night. And nobody was allowed in. We haven’t repeated that adventure. We try to not even talk about it.
I’ve Googled all the malls on the way. We’re driving through the US, you see. I love the USA. I’m so happy to be there. Even Wendy’s seems more fun. We usually drive through Canada but that Ottawa to Fredericton stretch is a nightmare of winter driving.
One thing about Christmas bugs me
I thought about what gets on my nerves about Christmas so as to deal with it. I’m a listmaker because it keeps my problems separated and they look more manageable.
Here is my list:
1. It costs too much.
Solution : The gift buying got pared down to the bare minimum. Nobody’s feelings were hurt. Everyone was relieved. We would all like to pare down our list. We live in a world where $20 gifts seem almost cheap and we’re expected to give $80 gifts. Every magazine says so. I give the gifts I sincerely want to give for the pleasure of choosing them and knowing they will be enjoyed. I don’t give a single thing that I have to give.
What kids learn at Christmas
I heard complaints from my offspring that “all my friends get 15 gifts” – ya, well , tough. Get over it. You got 5, less than $200 total. Be glad your parents live together and don’t fight. This is not a grab-all-you-can bonanza.
Being born into wealth is one of the worst things that can befall a child, I think. They are sloshing around in notions of entitlement and have very little sensitivity to anything else.
I don’t deny that the bred-in-the-bone belief that money comes easily has value because that’s the world they’ll reconstruct for themselves as adults. Hopefully they have the creative intelligence to learn what excess means and come to feel the pride that results from work.
I think a lot about what kind of human being I want to be. After all, it is my choice. It is not stamped on my DNA. I lived with a woman when I was in University 20 years ago. She showed me what it means to think about the other guy. People who understand the effect their behavior might have on others, and care enough to alter their actions without turning it into a big sacrifice, have my respect.
I’m sensitive to it in parenting skills also. Children are reared to achieve, to be confident, to express their individuality, to excel, whatever. Nobody has ever introduced the concept that their actions and words might have an effect on other people, nevermind what that effect might be. They’re entirely inwardly focused. They’re driven to be disciplined, to get certain marks, to own certain things so they can be part of certain groups – big deal.
Most of them are a pain to be around. Many, MANY, are outright cruel. They do what makes them feel good in the moment with nary a glimmer that their deeds could have any impact on another living being. Parents allow these little superstars to treat them so condescendingly, it’s embarrassing to watch. These kids certainly don’t deny themselves if they feel their needs must be met, with no hunch about what the greater good could possibly mean. They may be future success stories but they’ve never learned to release their tight grasp on their needs to accommodate someone else or take care with their feelings. They’re clever, but who cares? If they’re at your house, you’re counting the minutes till they go home.
Two Stories
I always say that if I had to choose again, I’d never be a veterinarian. I would be a cosmetic dermatologist. But that’s not true. I really am, or I’ve become, a cat and dog doctor. My mother showed me how to communicate with them. I don’t share too many stories from that world but these two, so opposite, are pertinent.
Muffin is a 10 year old Schnauzer. She’ll bite you if she doesn’t know you, and might try even if she does. That’s ok. Vets spend their first year out of school being eaten alive. After that, they develop faster reflexes than a Jedi. Her owner is an elderly gentleman who has no family. He is not expected to live 3 days. He has cancer. Muffin, who came to this man when her previous owner died of cancer, has been living with the neighbor for a month. Gradually, she has stopped eating. The last thing to go was her desire to play with her ball. There is no money to determine if she has an illness or has simply decided that there’s no point in living. Everything she cared about has been taken away, again – but this time, she’s older and she can’t cope. This isn’t an uncommon situation. Yesterday, it just got to me.
At the far other end of the spectrum, my wonderful colleague and I were discussing Christmas wish lists. Her entire family is coming for Christmas and some gifts in the exchange will be between near strangers. She commented on how hard she was finding it to write her list because “there’s nothing I want”.
She speaks for most of us. “There is nothing I want”. When in the history of the world have humans been able to say that? Our needs are so completely met that we actually would prefer not to receive more “stuff”. Christmas just makes me weepy. I thought about it all day.
Christmastime places an expectation that everyone should find everlasting joy. Easily. At Target. Many won’t. Muffin will probably not be alive.
Find the meaning
For those of you so overwhelmingly blessed that you will be with your family, eating well, sharing gifts that you don’t need, knowing that you have more than everything you want, take 10 minutes in solitude each day to be deeply grateful.
I’ll be back two weeks. I wish for you to find peace in your own thoughts. There’s no price tag worthy of it. Enjoy your families, however you feel about them the rest of the year. Every other thing in life is for sale.
-->In a van reeking of rose, which Bill won’t detect because his sense of smell only has 2 settings : Skunk / No Skunk , we’re driving to PEI. In a little minivan. With skates, snowsuits, gifts, and a lot of skin care products. If we get home without disease or accident, I consider family trips a fierce success.
Read moreNose Rings And Tattoos
November 5, 2008
Go ahead. Read this and start typing your comment. Tell me that you totally disagree and that I’m hampered by old-fashioned tastes. I can take it.
A tattooed Mom
A long time ago, maybe a year or more, a great and wonderful friend, let’s say Joy, asked me to write about her many tattoos. This is a 40 year old woman in a good marriage, with children, living in a small town.
Here is what she said:
What makes a person want to be so different or stand out? I know I don’t want to be noticed, but yet here I am […with facial jewelry, various piercings, and tattoos]. I recently got my nose pierced and I love it. I feel different and it makes me feel beautiful.
I’ve thought of what to write many times but couldn’t find a place inside myself to write from. It would be like trying to write about why we should shave our heads. I can’t get anywhere close to that topic.
Photo byMarco Gomes
Piercings at the office
More recently, the question came up of nose rings and piercings in women over 40, particularly those of us who work in conformist, traditional, office environments.
Most importantly, I think you do what you gotta do. Since I don’t aspire to that look, I ask myself what motivates women to go there. You buy a lipstick because the color’s pretty. Permanent transformations might be intended to send a different message – or am I reading too much into it?
Leaving a hiding place
There are many levels here.
Joy is saying “I’m not who you think I am”. She is mounting a quiet revolution against an oppressive upbringing. She’s speaking to her parents, to her childhood, saying “I am my own woman. I don’t have to be who you wanted.” The words are too hard and too awkward, so the gesture takes its place.
The question now is “Who is the real woman? The child who lost her way, who couldn’t be a part of her parents’ world because it conflicted too deeply with her own spirit? Or the adult who is looking for her own voice but drowning in self-doubt?
Photo byangler70
And where is the answer to be found? The anxiety has been huge and taken a physical toll. The true woman inside is screaming to be let out, to find her shape and her voice, but isn’t sure she’ll be accepted. She’s also not sure what the final shape will be or what the first step in finding it would be. The present contours are only safe because she’s lived in them for 40 years. It takes big emotional energy to fight back against 40 years of training. On the other hand, is committing yourself to resigned unhappiness ever a better choice than conquering the complete unknown?
The appealing forbidden
Similar but not the same is the anti-establishment connotation. The voice sounds like “Despite the rules I have to live by, I cannot be fully controlled”. Depending on the woman, it sometimes looks a little desperate. It reminds folks of all those other piercings and smacks of a mid-life crisis.
Do teens do this stuff because everyone else is, because the overlying creed of the teenager is to be part of a group? Seeing yourself as a dissident, rebelling against the institutions your parents appear enslaved by, that’s all part of teenagerhood.
Cultures and crowds
Do women over 40 make these more invasive and permanent physical changes only because they feel it looks good? Some must. East Indian women are almost expected to have tattoos and piercings, but maybe we’re just used to seeing it. We expect different cultures to adorn themselves differently.
Photo byJim Patton
Is it regional? In a city with an artistic and university population, people look entirely different. Or is it just the same thing as Joy said, but on a bigger scale? In small conservative towns, people don’t want to stand out. In cities, people need to do more to be noticed in the crowd. It tramples convention less because everyone has more liberal taste and expectation in the personal decoration of others.
My tedious taste
What do I think about a nose ring? It looks strange, no matter how old you are. It never ever looks refined, elegant, or classy. In a 20 year old, it just conveys subversiveness, but not beauty. But, look, maybe you don’t aspire to tasteful. Tasteful might bore you sick and you may long for freedom of expression.
My style is tame and lackluster, you know? I don’t like purple eyeshadow either. I wear colorful clothes, the less well tailored, the better. I don’t care if I look like a walking color wheel, because that’s when I feel like the real me. You could put me in a fitted suit and heels and I’d feel like an impostor, like a soap opera character. It would shut me down and I would act as dull as I thought I looked.
I get a confusing message from tattoos and piercings, small or large, in women our age. Rather like “Is this woman doing this only because she thinks it’s gorgeous, or is there a social point she’s trying to make, or have I missed a personal statement of some sort?”
It becomes a distraction that people don’t know how to react to. In Joy’s case, that’s exactly what she’s after…to make people a little uncertain around her. She wants them to ask themselves if they know her as well as they think they do, her parents most of all.
Revealing The Real Me
I guess we’re all trying to broadcast “the real me”. Would you agree? Often, the message is simply “You think you know me but you don’t. There are parts of me that are concealed. I can do things you don’t expect. I am stronger than you think. I’m not afraid to make permanent changes in who I am. And I’m starting with this piercing.”
Photo byziobill
At the end of the day, unless anyone else is being harmed, you do what makes you feel good. You are always stronger than you, or anyone else, knows. If you’ll walk away from a nose piercing with renewed strength and wondering why you waited so long, then do it. Forget about everyone else. As Joy’s husband says so eloquently, “F— ‘em all, let God sort them out.”
-->My friend once said to me,
“What makes a person want to be so different or stand out? I know I don’t want to be noticed, but yet here I am […with facial jewelry, various piercings, and tattoos]. I recently got my nose pierced and I love it. I feel different and it makes me feel beautiful.”
Sites To Know : stillGorgeous
November 1, 2008
Here is the website of two British women, Kathryn Hamlin and Laura Barker. Kathryn and Laura might holiday in Greece and think nothing of shopping and seeing plays in London. They use different products than we do. We’d have trouble driving each other’s cars.
The thing I love about this website is the reminder that beyond the superficial differences, women everywhere are the same. It’s especially so as we get older and develop a stronger sense of what really matters in life. We’ve coped with losses, raised children, seen our bodies change, all constants regardless of the language you speak or currency you use. They have a great balancing effect.
Kathryn (in front) and Laura, being cool on a Harley.
We’re all trying to keep our children happy, healthy, and entertained so they become happy, healthy, and successful. We’re trying to preserve our sanity and the last dollar in our wallets. We’re growing and finding ourselves as human beings and exploring the many facets of relationships. Many of us have finally seen how vital our contribution is within our families and to this planet’s wellbeing.
Kathryn and Laura’s site, like AGT, is dedicated to making the most of the mature years. They reject any notion that it’s all downhill, as do I. There is celebration here, not defeat. Hope and love for themselves and their families prevail, not resignation to superficial concerns like, oh heavens, wrinkles!
Kathryn Hamlin.
Laura Barker.
Kathryn’s About Page is sobering. Having lost her sister to accident when she was 14 and her mother to illness at 17, effectively the entire female side of her family, she somehow survived to become a happily married mother of 4. Today, she is 45. Perhaps because she has proven herself such a survivor, life seems to be sending her for a tumble once again with her own health difficulties.
Now this woman could have given in to depression, or simply self-pity. Instead she chose to provide an understanding ear and heartfelt support to those coping with adversity. In strengthening and supporting other women, she is also empowering herself in her own life. Her website provides “an oasis of tranquility”, a place to moan a little, and to receive a virtual hug from someone who’s been there.
stillGorgeous was created in May 2007 when Kathryn and Laura decided to find a new challenge once their youngest children had started school. With no previous computer or business knowledge and after a lot of late night foraging on the internet for information, they built the website themselves. The steep learning curve has continued but it’s a journey they are still enjoying and it fits in well with their family commitments, despite a few grumbles that the home baked goods are in scarcer supply than they used to be!
At the London Premiere of Pirates, Dead Man's Chest (LB on left, friend Carrie, KH on right)
When you browse at stillGorgeous, you’ll find features on fashion, beauty, health, and travel. There are articles on homemade skin treatments, ways to save money and pass a rainy day, and recommendations for great reading or movies. They take on family issues and the working woman’s balancing feat.
Carrie's publicity board, signed by Johnny and Orlando!
The Glam Gals from Fabulous After 40 visit now and again. Deborah and JoJami are Image and Style Experts, and write one of the best sites out there showing women over 40 how to look vibrant, fashion-savvy, and age appropriate. Their latest article at stillGorgeous is all about how to look fabulous in under 10 minutes this fall.
Style Experts Deborah Boland and JoJami Tyler.
Of course, I headed straight to the articles on makeup and looked at some of the Best Cosmetics as voted by the CEW (Cosmetic Executive Women Awards). Since this is a hot button for me, I had to wonder where European women go for independent reviews of products before they buy them. They have access to the same information we do, but what do they actually use?
Most impressive is the ability to create join the sG community by creating your own social network page. It’s a lovely site where you can upload videos and photos, and find women of our age group without having to filter millions of facebook and MySpace pages.
My thoughts are very much with Kathryn right now as she copes with her health concerns. I was very happy to hear that she found so much relief from acupuncture, and this was her first treatment! Hang in there, Kathryn. You have more strength than you know. We all do.
-->Here is the website of two British women, Kathryn Hamlin and Laura Barker.The thing I love about this website is the reminder that beyond the superficial differences, women everywhere are the same. It’s especially so as we get older and develop a stronger sense of what really matters in life. We’ve coped with losses, raised children, seen our bodies change, all constants regardless of the language you speak or currency you use.
Read moreWhy Men Don’t Understand “No”
October 29, 2008
I often wonder why my husband behaves as though I haven’t spoken when I firmly, bluntly, concisely, and clearly ask that he not do certain things. I am not a vague person. I don’t ramble when I speak with him.
If anything, my arrows are shot straighter than necessary. It goes with being an Autumn, if you believe that each season has its own personality, as Bernice Kentner does. Click on each season’s icon near the bottom of the page to see if you match the season you think you belong to.
I adhere closely to the 90 second rule, even when we’re not fighting (see How To Fight With A Man And Win). I say what I mean and I mean what I say.
It is as though I haven’t said a word.
Are their ears plugged?
It could be a small thing like not handling any laundry except his own. I must have asked 7 times but he couldn’t hear. I finally taped an enormous sign over the machine that he HAD to see EACH time.
It could be a big issue like “either lay off the beer after work or stay away till we’re all in bed” – with big consequences, clearly spelled out.
I have a strong and good marriage. I’m pretty sure I got it right the first time and will stay with the one I’m with till the end. I am married to the man of my dreams, to the extent that he exists in the real world.
Having said that, I have no arrogance about the permanence of my marriage. We all have lines others should not cross. If it does end, the only reason I would ever marry again would be to secure half someone’s assets, and there had better be some real money on the table.
(kidding, kidding; I would never marry again).
Do they just not care?
The question at the moment is “Why in the world can he not hear me?” True, he doesn’t like rules to apply to him. He doesn’t feel he’s above them. It’s more of an irritation, a rejection of rules altogether, a conviction that they’re an annoyance intended for the small-minded, like Harry Potter.
It’s not just the one I’m married to. It’s all of them. Do I speak for us all here, or not? And let’s face it, the principle that “No is meaningless” has value. This is why they do better with rejection. “No” is another form of “Yes, but later”. Maybe it’s not a bad rule to follow.
For women, “No” is another form of “Oh dear, they don’t like me. What have I done to offend? This is all my fault. Let me run around in circles and fall all over myself saying things I don’t mean, trying to make amends.”
Have we taught them this?
As is always the case, answers can be found in the mirror. What is it that I do to cause Bill to misconstrue what No could possibly mean? In dealing with my son, I saw that it’s more widespread than just Bill and I.
For generations, boys of all ages been trained by women that when we say No, it means No, No, No, Maybe, Maybe, Probably, Probably, Probably, OK-if-you-say-so, OK-well-fine-then, Yes.
My son has learned that if he pecks at me enough, I’ll often get used to idea or give in to be left alone (no different with my daughters, may I say). And we all know about the teenage boy that won’t let it go till he gets what he wants, usually at the maximum limit that it’s available to him.
With my children, I now defer the problem with “We’ll see” while I think about it …and if they continue harassing me, it becomes a firm “No and no option to revisit the question”.
How do we speak to men?
What type of logic appeals to them?
Is this the answer? I think it might be.
Consequences are of limited use because pride gets in the way.
Productivity is a level of logic that they understand but I couldn’t think of an angle that could work here.
Ultimatums are no good because they get defensive and nervous if they’re cornered.
Appealing to their feelings with “It hurts me when you…” might work with some of them but I would venture that most can’t carry that around long enough to control their behavior in the moment. They already know there’s going to be a problem but they’d rather put up with it, knowing that eventually we’ll get over it, thereby reinforcing the No, No, No, Yes cycle.
“Catch him being good”, like in dog training? Tried it. Doesn’t work. He relaxes his self-discipline and I get taken for a ride I don’t want to go on.
My conclusion has become the same as for fighting cancer – it might still happen, but at least I know I did everything I could to prevent it. I stated my case, I never made him guess at the problem. If things get ugly one day, well then, they do.
And I have to be reasonable. Hell’s bells, I’m not perfect and I don’t expect myself to be. I have to live by the rules I set for others. I can’t expect him to be perfect all the time either.
How much do you let slide? What if he shrinks one of my wool sweaters once a year? What if he gets into mischief with my brother and imbibes a little too much red wine at Christmastime? Surely, I can endure.
-->I often wonder why my husband behaves as though I haven’t spoken when I firmly, bluntly, concisely, and clearly ask that he not do certain things. I am not a vague person. I don’t ramble when I speak with him.
I adhere closely to the 90 second rule, even when we’re not fighting.
It is as though I haven’t said a word.
Listen To The Renegade Lunch Lady. Please.
October 25, 2008
Meet Chef Ann Cooper. She’s changing the way we feed children.
I LOVE THIS WOMAN.
Chef Ann Cooper
I love her message.
I love her topic.
I love her passion. She has a fire in her blood that sparks out her brown eyes.
I love her devotion to children that are not even hers.
If I got a closer look at her boots, I think I’d love them too.
Chef Ann takes on the lunch bureaucracy at TED.
This is the right woman for this job.
Who’s the grownup here?
Don’t explain to kids why they need to eat green food. You don’t negotiate toothbrushing, do you? Give them the choice of this green food or that green food, but one of them is going in. This is what “freedom of choice” looks like, and not “Do you want green food today?”.
You don’t ask your kids what lane of traffic to choose or how to spend investment money because they are incapable of knowing. You wouldn’t take a 15 year old’s advice, much less a 6 year old’s. Giving choices to those who cannot make them is just plain dangerous.
You are the grownup. You, and only you, have a responsibility to decide which foods are right. When you became a parent, it was in the job description. You also took on the role of teacher. You are teaching them to make the right choices for themselves for the rest of their lives, about everything. Food just happens to be the most important one.
I know it’s a daily fight. I know if you make a deal out of it, life escalates into a stress feast for everyone. But if there are chips, cookies, and ice cream in your house, none of your efforts will work. They can hold out longer than you because they’re the ones with the energy.
Does your dog play the food game?
I meet many folks who tell me their dog can choose what food its body needs. Hogwash. Does your body tell you what foods it needs? The last time you were stressed, did you reach for lentil casserole or that bag of Dill Pickle chips?
Dogs are as equipped to make decisions about nutrition as kids are, and they will make the same mistakes.
Don’t agonize over whether it’s fair or right or respectful of their rights, or if it’s natural. Dogs quickly learn to play the game of needing a new taste sensation every 4 days if you enlist in that program. Masters of extortion, they learn that if they don’t eat supper for a day or two, the selection only gets better. Small breed dogs, especially the white ones, drop into this world having mastered this beyond any level you can hope to achieve. Don’t bother engaging because you will lose.
Dogs and kids do what works. Stop letting it work and they’ll stop doing it almost immediately. They may move on to something new to annoy you, but look at each situation and think about what you’re doing to let it work. With children, as with dogs, food is entirely a control issue. It is not a taste issue.
Why your dog ate your couch
Kids and dogs also do what they’re used to. Being destabilized causes them anxiety so they’ll expend energy to keep the status quo. If, for some unfathomable reason, you want a dog (or a kid) that needs a new kind of food every three days, then start feeding him that way. If you want a dog that needs constant acknowledgment and reassurance all her life, then start off by paying her constant attention, especially when she demands it.
Then, you’ll doom yourself to dreaming up fancy dog food options, when you’re not cleaning up the couch the dog chewed because it loses its mind if it’s being ignored. Once you’re done cleaning, you’ll need to run to the vet to pick up the dog who had the couch buttons cut out of its stomach yesterday. Have you any idea how many people choose to do this?
If you have a few other things to do that sound more fun, let the dog learn that the food stays the same and they can learn to be ignored without harm. The decision lies entirely with you. Start them off the way you want them to end up.
Good Habits are hard to break too
Once they’re in their teens, children get ideas that they’re suddenly controlling us. The underlying psychology of Grade 8 seems to me to be that they have the adult world where they want it. If I remember myself correctly, that belief remains in place till one’s early 20s.
That’s why you have to start ASAP, so good choices aren’t choices at all, just habits. I think they like having a solid sense of “how things are in our family”. They can feel that they stand for something.
Think of how we would look if we’d started wearing sunscreen when we were 2!! The skin on our face would look like the skin on our other cheeks. And to think that that is a very real option that was squandered. Let’s at least give it to our children.
Now that mine are over 12, I encounter more resistance about everything, but I persevere. They’re just making the point that I can’t control them and I am not the boss of them. They’ll avoid anything they perceive as parental guidance.
They care more about how they look. I’ve talked to them a lot about long term investment and the payoffs at the other end. We talk to them about smoking. They see the long term effect. We teach them to respect their bodies. They see women who are capable and strong. We teach them about savings and investment. They see restraint in the present for reward in the future.
Can every one of us be our kids’ food advocate, like Chef Ann Cooper? Or are we, as parents, just too damn tired to fight with kids and with a destructive bureaucracy all the time?
Should we bypass the grownups entirely and teach the kids? Is this generation smarter about sex, seat belts, driving drunk, and smoking? Sadly, I don’t think they are. Our species is hell-bent on destroying itself. Then we turn 40 and finally think …
Chef Ann’s other books
Within 10 seconds of landing on a new website, I’m at the About page. The snaking path that throws choices our way reassures me that everyone’s life can be varied and rich. You don’t have to be stuck at the same desk for 30 years. Chef Ann’s About page is a great one. Don’t miss the books she’s written, at the bottom of the About page.
Lunch Lessons by Ann Cooper and Lisa M. Holmes
Have a look at some of the recipes this cookbook contains.
Do you agree that Mother’s Kitchen (shown below) looks beautiful as well? Don’t we all remember the foods our mothers, grandmothers, and aunts were renowned for, that we loved (or dreaded)? Cooking with a child nourishes their body as well as their spirit, teaches them pride in their contribution to the family, creates memories that last their lifetime, and forges traditions that they will teach their own children.
Kids LOVE learning and they LOVE knowing that you want to spend time showing them what you know. More than that, they NEED it to survive.
In Mother's Kitchen by Ann Cooper and Lisa M. Holmes
Meet Chef Ann Cooper.
I LOVE THIS WOMAN.
I love her message.
I love her topic.
I love her passion. She has a fire in her blood that sparks out her brown eyes.
I love her devotion to children that are not even hers.
My Kid Makes A Mean Caesar Salad
October 23, 2008
My children are on a smoothie craze. The blender never stops. Lying in bed at night reading, I hear the BZZZZZZ, at 8.45PM! What are they doing down there?
I don’t want to know. I don’t care what I’ll find in the morning. Stay in bed. My favorite is to be woken up at 10.30pm to be asked if it matters that the blender is smoking but I shouldn’t worry, it was probably just left on too long.
So I bought them an $8 hand mixer. How much harm could they really do with one of those? Since children have the innate ability to smell Bandaids, tape (with an especial sensitivity to duct tape), and Kleenex, I figured they could deal with whatever might happen.
My 13 year old adores Caesar salad. She eats it in dangerous quantities. Homemade Caesar Salad is incredibly easy to make, not a big production at all, and quite healthy. I showed her how to make it herself, using the hand blender. It’s fast, easy, and she’s adapted it to be perfect.
It’s tangy, not sweet. You can control this by varying the amount of lemon juice and grated cheese. I know folks who add maple syrup, but I don’t care for the sweet taste.
You’ll need 2 huge bowls, one for washing the lettuce and one for the salad itself. The one for the salad should be made of metal or glass because the salad dressing is oily and acidic and the plastic may be hard to clean afterwards.
Here’s what you do :
- Tear 2 large heads of Romaine lettuce into the plastic bowl. Cover with water. Swish it around like a washing machine for 15 seconds or so. Let soak while you start the dressing.
Put the following into a deep glass or jar that your hand blender can get to the bottom of:
- ¼ of a 300g block of silken or soft tofu (a great emulsifier, I thought of it myself when I didn’t have an egg!)
- 4 cloves garlic minced
- 2” (1 Tbsp.) anchovy paste from the tube
- 2 Tbsp Worc sauce
- 2 tsp Dijon mustard
- ½ c less 2 Tbsp. of extra-virgin cold-pressed olive oil
- ¼ c grated fresh Parmesan and some extra to sprinkle on top
Dump the water out of the plastic washing bowl. Refill with water to cover the lettuce and swish it around again. Let sit.
Think about what else goes in the dressing that you forgot. Obviously, there’s no order for adding ingredients.
- ¼ t salt
- ½ t fresh ground pepper
- juice of 1 lemon (this is pretty lemony and allows you to use less oil; you could use 1/2 lemon if you like and the full 1/2c. oil)
Spin dry the lettuce. Put it in the glass or metal bowl.
Buzz the dressing with a hand blender, moving the blender up and down in the glass, till well blended. It takes about a full minute. It will appear chunky at the beginning and more liquid after a short while.
Sprinkle the remaining Parmesan on the salad.
You are now done. The kids made supper!
Sadly, they’re still making smoothies in the blender.
PS: We don’t usually add croutons because the ones in the box are rather awful and I’ve burned the homemade delicious ones so many times that we’ve gotten used to the salad without them. I’ve burned so much food, you have no idea. There are oven timers all over the house and I still forget about the food in/on the oven.
It’s dead easy to make your own croutons. Cut some bread in cubes, toss in a little olive oil, and put them in a frying pan/skillet on low and mix them around now and again. Takes about 20 minutes. Don’t leave the room or begin another project till they’re done. Carrying egg timers on your person might solve it for you but it doesn’t work for me.
-->My children are on a smoothie craze. So I bought them an $8 hand mixer.
My 13 year old adores Caesar salad. She eats it in dangerous quantities. Homemade Caesar Salad is incredibly easy to make, not a big production at all, and quite healthy. I showed her how to make it herself, using the hand blender. It’s fast, easy, and she’s adapted it to be perfect.
Nothing You Believe Is True
October 12, 2008
Possibility is more interesting than reality – sez me.
“Imagination is more important than knowledge.”, sed Einstein.
If I were interviewing someone for a position, for any job at all, I’d be looking for three things only :
- genuine friendliness
- self-motivation
- imagination
That would be an impressive package. You can teach everything else.
Imagination sets us apart. It will be the key to our species’ success and to an interesting, wide open, off-the-treadmill future for us as individuals. Although everyone of us is capable, being more imaginative is hard to do. My sources have been children, exercise, and forcing my curiosity to expand beyond its natural limits. Does knowing your goals help unplug your head’s creativity? Nope, because not only is nothing we believe true, nor is what we think we want. In fact,
We don’t know what we want
Malcolm Gladwell is a sociologist, known for having written The Tipping Point and Blink . The Tipping Point discusses the phenomena of crazes. How does something become incredibly popular overnight, and what factors created that explosive growth? Blink argues that people are wired to make accurate judgements very quickly based on conscious and subconscious information gathering.
Do you know about the TED Conference? It will make you want to cheer for the entire world, for the collective voice of humanity. Gladwell speaks here about spaghetti sauce:
The point he makes is that we have no idea what we want. The context was that marketing might as well not ask consumers what they want because they will not know till they are given it. Once the product becomes available, like extra-chunky spaghetti sauce, it will fly off the shelves.
We don’t know our goals
We’re told to write down goals or set precise goals in our head. Has it happened to you that the goal looked so right for you, but when it is realized, it didn’t fit at all with who you really are? Thinking something would be perfect, and then getting it and not wanting it … seems to happen to me a lot.
It’s like the Donny Osmond poster on your bedroom wall (OK, there is no Donny Osmond poster on my wall; it’s a Josh Groban poster; you know Josh Groban, when he sings Come What May ?
Woo-hoo-HOO-hoo-hoo ; sorry, Josh always gets me off-topic ; I’ll get the cold cloth off my forehead and keep going here),
…the poster coming to life. It dawns on you that you might not want to interact with him as a human being, you just want to have a crush on him from a distance. You thought he’d be so perfect but it was only his image that was perfect.
For those interested in purchasing this item, it comes from here. Not only do they have many Donny images and products in stock, but they are interested in buying your Donny items from you 
You buy a pair of jeans without trying them on because they look perfect. You’ve been looking for that make. You love the color, the closure, the pockets, the rise is not too low or high. You know someone with a similar body type who looks awesome in them. You get them home, try them, and they’re way wrong. They fit someone, but not you.
Am I just wishy-washy and still muddling around in the stinking swamp of some low level of consciousness? Do people with higher awareness know their deepest wishes?
Ah, hell, what is the point of thinking about it? It’s like wondering why cats and dogs eat grass. We’ll know the answer the day one of them tells us. We could spend lots of time speculating but the odds are high we’d be wrong, so why bother? The answer is probably “just because”.
The real you
I never said to stop believing IN yourself. You would never, ever do that. It’s the most constructive and creative power in your possession. Believing IN yourself is what this site is all about.
Peter Russell answers the question of why not to believe. You might wonder if you’ve come up with anything new on your own, or are you just towing along a pile of inherited crap that would make Your Deeper Self snort and roll her eyes?
Of course, as soon as you ask the question “Does it have to be this way?”, it is beginning to change. It’s only as concrete as you say it is. Your beliefs and boundaries define your entire existence but also limit your possibilities. We need to ditch them to see our lives in new ways.
It’s hard to do. There are consequences attached to asking questions like that. Anyone remember Jonathan Livingston Seagull? Read the plot summary on the Wikipedia page. This type of material has been around since long before personal development became an industry.
Delete your beliefs and watch the windows open
You will stop You from allowing big changes. You will set up road blocks you won’t even be able to see. But once you are free of your preconceptions and presumed opinions, you are liberated from the restrictions they impose as well.
You can view them as an impartial observer or through the eyes of someone else, someone who doesn’t carry your particular set of personal constraints. The realm of what you can do or are willing to do changes drastically.
Take off, imagination.
--> Possibility is more interesting than reality – sez me.
“Imagination is more important than knowledge.”, sed Einstein.
Imagination sets us apart. It will be the key to our species’ success and to an interesting, wide open, off-the-treadmill future for us as individuals.
Does knowing your goals help unplug your head’s creativity? Nope, because not only is nothing we believe true, nor is what we think we want.
Do You Keep Your Age Secret?
October 6, 2008
Debby wrote a comment recently to an article that got a lot of heat, Why Do You Want To Look Younger? She speaks for many women (the majority?) in that she avoids telling her age.
Paula and Avis at BeautyBunch
Interestingly, I’ve been looking at the Paula’s Choice blog at Beauty Bunch lately. The site is an introduction to Paula and a few members of the Paula’s Choice team away from the office. This is not a marketing site. Topics range from travels, to pets, many of whom come to the office each day, to the TV shows they follow. It’s intriguing to meet them in their regular lives. I didn’t expect to find that Paula would be funny.
2 recent posts are especially pertinent to Debby’s comment. The first is written by Paula herself, at My Thighs Are Not My Legacy.
Avis Begoun, Paula’s sister, is the author of the second article, at Growing Old Well. Avis is a clinical psychologist who specializes in women’s issues, and seems a thoughtful, interesting woman.
I was so happy to see women rejecting the notion that aging must be a setback. Could there be a groundswell of us out there who will decline to buy into the idea that something bad is happening when we get older?
We are stronger, smarter, richer, more independent and empowered, less fearful, healthier, and more vibrant than women of our age have been at any time in history. Why in the world are we the sorriest about it too?
Is younger better?
The young take better pictures. Of that, there can be no doubt. As the inside gets richer, the veneer has taken a few nicks and scuffs.
They need less sleep. Among the top three things I’d change would be the need for 8 hours each night.
Do I care that I have lines around my eyes? Not really. How did these lines get to be so important? They have so little significance. We have so much to celebrate. Why is this what’s in our heads?
Brian Clark wrote an article about Innovation at Lateral Action, a site dedicated to achieving success through creativity and productivity. He had some things to say that are relevant to our topic, and he said them well (if you’re language-sensitive, don’t go there). In Rule Number 5, replace “khakis” with “wrinkles”. Pause for a moment at Rule Number 8 as well.
Does Your Deeper Self care?
I am not leaving this life without having been the best parent I could be. It is my highest calling. Do my children care if I have lines around my eyes? Of course not. They expect it. Someone has to be the Moms and Dads. They want us to look like we can carry the load, instead of trying to run from it.
The deepest, strongest, most meaningful bonds between human beings are ignorant of lines around eyes. Superficial relationships might have a thing about it but is that a goal worth going after? Our skin records the events that have shaped us. The lines are the map to our soul and our spirit. In the lives of the people for whom you are a blessing and a gift, how high does your skin’s elasticity rank?
Is it downhill now?
What of the notion of being “past your prime”? Hey, the hard part is behind you. You’re setting up for the best years if you let yourself enjoy them. Your voice is finally coming on strong. You have some time and some clarity. At 30, I was distracted, careful, nervous. The great real estate looks to be ahead of me, not in the rearview mirror.
There is no need to believe you should have it all figured out. Nobody does. Ever. The best that you can hope for is to have a strong guiding light. The ability to find great happiness in the simplest things is an accomplishment by itself. It’s a big part of “having it all figured out”. Not only are you not “past it”, you’re just arriving. Don’t shut the door in your own face. It took you fifty years to get here!
Can you look at the women you interact with and see those who are retreating behind an age barrier (of their own imagining) and those who are just coming into their own, who seem happier every time you meet them? That’ s not good luck or good genetics. That’s a choice to let luck happen.
Your thoughts are your choice
The more you think a certain way, the more a reality that supports that thought process will exist around you. Things will come to you a lot if you think about them a lot. You will attract a lot. Get your thoughts on the right path. Keep moving forward and adapting to something you’ve consciously decided to believe in.
Through your thoughts and your actions, better things can and will happen. It doesn’t start from a position of having sorted all the variables into their neat little slots. It’s an ongoing evolution in your own head but it begins with choice and determination that you need to energize. These won’t get done for you. The energy for the first step is your declaration to the Universe that your beliefs are about to change. You are the medium for whatever message you choose to send out so MAKE your choice. Build it yourself from the blocks on the table in front of you.
The wisdom of age
Are there are 70 year old women reading this? Have you any advice for us? I try to think about difficult decisions from the perspective of my older self looking back at my life. I’m sure I will not wish I’d spent more time at the office, had a cleaner house, or worried so much about my age. Besides, there never seems any sense in thinking about what you can’t change. The number’s only going to get bigger so we might as well come to grips with it.
Living in a material world
As the gears of your life grind forward, don’t waste your own time caring about fluff. Think about all you’ve done and all that’s part of you that wasn’t there 20 years ago. People just see us as we see ourselves. Be fifty and LOVE your life and where you are in it.
This is your moment. Live it well. Take a stand against the part of you, the concern with age, that you want to evict. Say your age like it’s a good thing. Dredge up enough pride in how far you’ve come and all you’ve learned to say the number like the achievement it is.
Feel the love, sister. It’s real and we’re all here together.
-->Could there be a groundswell of us out there who will decline to buy into the idea that something bad is happening when we get older?
We are stronger, smarter, richer, more independent, less fearful, healthier, and more vibrant than women of our age have been at any time in history. Why in the world are we the sorriest about it too?
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A Greener Tea
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