So Hard To Be True To Yourself

July 6, 2008

This is a guest post by my sister. Sonja writes about the conflict between who we really are, who we think we are, and who we want to be. She is 45 years old now and feels it’s time to finally get it resolved.

Do we not know who we are? Surely by the time you reach the ripe old age of 40, you have figured this out. And yet, many of us continue to struggle to become something which does not suit us physically or temperamentally.

All the personality indicators are there early on. When we look back on our youth, if we can remember that far, we see that we made choices at a very early age which would determine our future. Somehow, though, in our adulthood, we lose sight of the personality and tastes we were born with and try to become the person we think we ought to be.

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Summer School

I will give you an example of this. When I was ten, I went to summer camp at the National Ballet School of Canada in Toronto. I loved it. The director kept asking me how my diet was going. I puzzled over what she meant. I kept looking behind me to see who she was talking to.

We had a great time at this camp. We had ballet lessons, field trips, music lessons and character dance classes, which I loved. But the best part was that across the street, there was a diner which served great burgers and chocolate shakes! They were really good. I remember them to this day. And you wonder that she asked about the diet.

When I went home to Charlottetown, I continued my lessons. Now, on the way to ballet class I would pass by this great diner that served really good chocolate shakes. Needless to say, I stopped in every time.

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Chocolate Rules

In the end, the chocolate won out. I dropped the dance lessons, to my mother’s great dismay, and eventually went to chef training school at the Culinary Institute of Canada in P.E.I. I later specialized and became a chocolatier.

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Twins Akimbo

The fork in the road came when I was ten and I chose my path. This part is all very clear to me. What isn’t so clear is why I still see myself as a dancer and an athlete in my mind’s eye. Believe me, I am not particularly athletic, nor do I have the physique of a dancer.

And yet, there is this discrepancy between what my heart tells me to do and what my mind thinks we ought to do. My mind seems to be out of touch with the activities and goals which truly make me happy. I feel like I have twins in my brain and they are not on speaking terms. The twin who is logical is louder and chattier (mind), though less often right, and the twin who is emotional or instinctive is quieter but more apt to make a good decision (heart).

Middle Ground

So, the puzzle is how to get them to connect. When do we just sit back and accept that the qualities we were born with are just right for us? Why are we always striving for curly hair when we were born with straight?

I want this conflict to be resolved. I want the twins to meet. It would be nice if they would work together, instead of on opposing teams for a change. Perhaps I should invite them over for burgers and a shake with a short dance afterward?

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Posted by Christine Scaman | Filed Under Happiness

Comments

2 Responses to “So Hard To Be True To Yourself”

Daniele on July 7th, 2008 9:54 pm

I am not particularly superstitious, but when those little things in life happen that warrant making a wish (shooting stars, clock at 11:11, lucky penny, etc), I always wish for the same thing:

Please let me stop lusting over a life and personality I would never be

I completely sympathise Sonja.
Sonja Mason on July 12th, 2008 4:02 pm

Dear Daniele, It’s nice to know I’m not alone. Thanks for you comment.