… So Damn Afraid Of Who I Am

September 19, 2008

My friend Nathalie said those words in a comment to Are You A Toned-Down Version Of Yourself?

She said,

Every so often, I ‘ll go back to read it again. I find it helps me gain strength in who I want to be and to not be so damn afraid of who I am. I guess the word is “confidence”.

When I began this venture, one goal was to understand what it is that women are so afraid of. Can you feel it, in yourself, or your friends, that holding back? I sense the caution in me too. I can only go so far in my self-discovery journey before I get uncomfortable and antsy.

Women (not girls) and fear

Is there a genetic switch on the X chromosome that flips with puberty?

Is it the female collective unconscious, the buried memories all women share of having been made to suffer physically and mentally for centuries that makes us so hesitant?

Is it just easier to be dutiful and obedient? Are we still listening to our parents’ warnings?

I don’t see it in girls before they’re 15 or so, but it is certainly there once they reach the late teens. Everyone appears to be born equal. Where does our confidence go?

Nathalie gets it in 1

But Nat’s just figured it out. She said it all right there. Are you amazed or is it just me? I was rooted to my chair.

It’s not anything external that we women are afraid of. It’s ourselves! It’s what we know we could be. It’s the knowledge that we could be all that we want to be. We are torn to distraction by the conflict of knowing we’re good enough and thinking we might not be.

It’s the need we have to apologize for everything and doubt ourselves so much. This is not wishing you were someone else. It’s dumbing ourselves down because it’s easier than coping with the fallout of having it all. We’d rather broadcast “don’t notice me, I’m not that great” than turn the spotlight on ourselves.

Living a life without limits is scary. We paint ourselves into a corner that keeps our truest selves, our Deeper Self, secret and guarded.

Grow in your own eyes

You don’t have to be who your parents expected. Or wanted.

You can try something and screw up completely and not be less than who you are. You can change your mind as often as you like and not apologize.

Women care more (or actually notice) how others feel. We are programmed to smoothe and unite. Now and then, overlook the discomfort of others for the sake of your growth and theirs.

Ignore the ‘on the rag’ comments, the “bitch” and the “dizzy” comments. People are not really being negative about you, just reacting to unease in themselves as you change the rules. Others become a little afraid of who we are too. It takes time to learn.

Is it the shift in the balance of power in the relationship that they sense? Is it anxiety about what else you’re planning to torpedo them with?

Who cares? Unfold a new piece of you every day and let it flex its muscles. Practice thinking about yourself in bigger terms that you do now.

Tulips smiling up at the sun, just for you, Nathalie.

Posted by Christine Scaman | Filed Under Happiness

Comments

3 Responses to “… So Damn Afraid Of Who I Am”

Patrick Mason on September 20th, 2008 6:46 am

Man here. I think this fear is rooted in all of us, just expressed differently by the sexes.
Christine Scaman on September 21st, 2008 6:04 am

Amy sent this in an email:

Christine,

I thought you might enjoy this quote. I saw it at the end of the movie “Ahkeelah and the Bee” and thought it was brilliant. It seems to connect to what you wrote on this topic.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

-Marianne Williamson

I really enjoy reading your blog. I’m also a thinking woman who loves makeup and wants good skin care – go Paula!
Christine Scaman on September 21st, 2008 6:24 am

Hello, man,

Good to hear from you. You are very welcome here
: )

I’ve thought about what you said for 2 days. I’m trying to see the male version of “Oh, I could never be that” , the diminishing of self to stay safe.
Maybe it’s identical to the female, just better concealed because men are trained to hide emotion and fear. They build walls around themselves using bigger rocks, giving them the impression of being stronger, but they’re just better fortified.

Amy,

A beautiful quote. Once you happen upon an elusive truth, it just snaps into place in the puzzle. It is indeed our light and our power that frighten us.

I can’t do more about my own fears than I’m already doing. But it feels very easy to me to allow the light of others to shine in its fullest. Hopefully, the system will work backwards and free me of my hang-ups in turn.

True also that children, in their world of limitless possibility, shine. I wonder by what process or necessity that’s lost.

I searched Marianne Williamson. An interesting woman. I notice she has a book out about learning to celebrate midlife. Does anyone know it?