RSSPeel The Cleaning Slave Label Off Your Forehead
August 14, 2008
Ah, yes. Families ( or husbands) who don’t help. Let’s open the dialog, shall we?
Who cares, them or you?
So the house is expected to look a certain way and it’s up to you to get it that way? So many of us have designated ourselves as the sole cleaners of our homes. Everyone else is reading or interacting with a screen while we haven’t sat down for two hours, trying to get laundry/lunches/more laundry looked after.
Linked to source.
And worse, you’re not getting the gratitude you’re hoping for. Instead, it seems like you’ve just set a precedent to do as much, or more, next time.
Now, wait.
Who is doing the expecting of how the house looks? Is it him, them, or you? To be fair, he might not even see the housework that needs doing. Men are not conditioned to have an awareness of washing machines and vacuums. He might quite happy to do it if he were asked.
But, you know what? I’m tired of always having to be the one who does the seeing and the asking. Others can do that too. I now choose to take in what I see as my share and the rest, I neither do nor ask that it get done.
Linked to source.
Control what you care about
If it’s you that has a claw scratching in your brain if there are a few dishes left on the counter while nobody else cares, then maybe you need to trim it back. How long and sharp that claw gets is yours to control.
You could equally well decide that it doesn’t matter if there are dishes left out. They can wait and it won’t make any difference a week from now. On the other hand, your need to do something other than work all the time cannot wait and it will make a difference in the long run.
I can be a size 10 if I exercise OR I can have a perfect house. I can’t do both. I can be pissed off at my husband AND I can have a clean house. It’s up to me to pick which I like better.
Linked to source.
How angry you get about never getting any help is a choice. Anger can be attracted and you can soak it up like a sponge. It can equally well be released and allowed to flow out. Either way, it’s a choice. Fuming is a choice. Finding reasons to be angry at others feels good in an odd way, like a juicy addiction, like a chocolate binge. The price you pay for it lasts a lot longer.
Any family member who doesn’t approve of the laundry being left in a basket for days is free to come along and move it. Why does it always have to be you? You can choose to not see it. It’s not hurting anything. Opt to see it tomorrow.
Equal rights
Once you’ve decided that you don’t need to do it all, will others pick up the ball? Oh, no. Only a woman would do that. Everyone else has to push back a little to see if you really mean it, or decide for themselves how much they care about the dishes. It never crossed their mind before. It never had to till you decided to stop.
Well, that’s fine but it doesn’t automatically mean that you must do both shares. Let nobody do it and learn to remove it from your reality. Put it on a distant star somewhere and leave it there. If anyone feels a little angry, well it’s their anger to deal with.
The rule is that everyone has equal rights. It’s the same when you’re driving. If you started disregarding the rules of the road and being extra nice and letting others go ahead, you’re just screwing everyone up. It’s not obnoxious to practice the rules that make everyone even. Nobody sees it that way.
Linked to source.
These are the times when you are being infringed upon – when your kids feel they have the birthright to yell at you, when you are constantly interrupted in a 10 minute phone conversation, and when you are expected to be the cleaning slave. That’s just a bad joke, and the joke stops being funny when it’s always on you.
Stop Being So Nice
Listen now, you teach people how they can treat you and what they can expect of you. That includes your kids and husband, friends and employer/employees. You do not owe it to anyone to need counseling or medication, to shed tears or feel hopeless just because your child needs to skate 6 days a week, or the shoes are never put away, or nobody ever does the dishes except you.
When you turn yourself inside out, nobody cares, or worse they complain. When you defend the notion that you have rights and needs also, others do too. They will learn and accept what you teach them about you. It’s not only bad people who take advantage of others. It’s everyone.
Live it as you want it to be
Can you imagine a woman who, not with anger or volatility, but with dignity and self-respect, would never be taken advantage of ? She has an inside calm, a core strength. She has an elegance, a warm presence, she is certain of her own value and has no need to prove it, even to her family.
Linked to source.
She doesn’t flare or stew with rage because nobody helps with the housework. She does her share and allows the family the choice to look after their portion, or not.
Does it sound like I’m saying to stop caring so much? Just care more about yourself. Get closer to that balance you used to have where you mattered more to yourself.
Agree, disagree, or vent below.
Comments
7 Responses to “Peel The Cleaning Slave Label Off Your Forehead”
Got something to say? I hope so.
Get daily makeup and colour updates. Join the 12 Blueprints Fan Club on Facebook! A Click on the box will take you there.
-
A Greener Tea
Web Maintenence by Rick Beckman
Hello!
That was great reading…. and so wise!
Love this kind of reflections. So true. Now, DOING it….
Great stuff, Christine Scaman! Thanks.
(from Switzerland, early morning, rainy day…)
Best wishes.
maria
I agree – I don’t have enough time and, although my husband is very good (he is at home full-time with our toddler) he doesn’t have the same standards as me.
Over the years I’ve learned that most people don’t spot dust and an acceptable level of clutter. As long as the washing is clean and quickly put away (so it doesn’t have to be ironed or redone), and the kitchen and bathroom are hygienic, then the rest can slide.
Just like the saying about the old person looking back on their life & never saying ‘wish I had spent more time at the office’, none of us will regret going out with the kids & making great memories, rather than tidying the house!
All I have to do now is continuing re-education myself – thanks for being on the same wavelength!
Peel the cleaning slave label off your forehead
I am blessed to be a stay-at-home mom and so most of the housework does fall upon my shoulders. Since I am at home with a 3 year old, I do take time to play and the house work will have to wait–babies don’t!
My husband is supportive and appreciative of my efforts in keeping the house pull together. He pulls his weight by keeping his things in place and doing the outside maintenance and works many hours so I can be home.
I am sorry to read of the anger and drugery of house work that at one time women accepted with pride and honor.
Perhaps my different attitude is because we believe in Jesus and refer to the Bible as a wonderful reference in finding joy in living and having a positive attitude about the least of these activities–housework.
It does get old—I am human and not immune to bad attitudes. But I do have a husband that appreciates my role and I appreciate his hard work. Perhaps there are others that share these attitudes too?
What a great article!!! Though I don’t have the kids to carpool and pick up after I have other things that fall into the same category…..and it is over. It has been a new focus of mine for this year and it is working….I needed this article to remind me to keep going ….it is an awesome feeling to say no and not feel guilty.
South Jersey great sunny day
How true!
Martyrdom seldom gets appreciated—(that is…if it’s even noticed), but the bad mood and feeling sorry for yourself that comes with it usually is. The worst part of it is that it’s SELF-IMPOSED! There’s no need for it, except to satisfy that perfectionist hiding your personality.
Maybe we’re still trying to live up to someone else’s standards (Mom, maybe?), but there’s no logical reason to do that…not if it lowers our quality of life, or that of the others sharing a home with us.
So…I’m going to try to keep these “words of wisdom” on the radar in the future, and hope other women can do that too.
Thanks for pointing out the obvious Christine. It is sometimes hard to see
Linda
PS> Love your website!
Hi, everyone,
Thanks for the comments.
I agree, Karen, that looking after the house and family is an honorable profession. I choose to work part-time so I can do just that.
BUT…
I’m not going to insist that a certain standard be met, though no else plans to help me meet it
and I’m not going to push a vacuum around at 8PM while everyone else is relaxing just because I didn’t get to it earlier
The age of the kids is important. Mine are preteens and fully capable of looking after their stuff and helping out.
I think Linda’s right. The house my mother kept is nothing like mine. But marriage and family life are not the same now. My mother got more sleep. She got more time alone. She didn’t spend hours driving children to activities. And she spent more time alone with my father, while now children are almost always included (which is a good thing, I believe).
We all have been blessed with husbands who do help, some more than others. Mine does all the lawn care and vehicle maintenance, and I’m glad it’s him and not me. For years though, he spent Sunday asleep in his chair or watching sports because it was his day off, while I ran around doing housework. It took me years to stop that, sit down, and wise up that I should have a day off too, even though it was going to be me giving it to myself. I think it’s done the family a lot of good to see that “mother” isn’t automatically “cleaner, cooker, and general looker-after”. The mother’s need for space and time matters just as much as everyone else’s.
Again, thanks for the discussion!
It occurs to me that the women who do housework with “pride and honor” , as Karen says, are the ones who are stay at home mums. Perhaps the difference in attitude that she comments on is not related to faith in Christ, but rather to the simple fact that she is less tired. After all, she and women like her, are doing one job, not two.