RSSNo Secrets in My House
July 8, 2010
Every family has problems. Once you start talking about them, come to find out every family has much the same problems.
Our instinct is to not talk about them. We try to make it look like everything is fine. I see families so busy with that, that the family is imploding. And the whole community is in on the secret anyhow, so it’s a lot of wasted energy and destruction for nothing.
Rather hard to force secrets into the open. Keeping problems quiet and dark makes them safe. They get stronger because they look bigger, just like everything does in the dark. The problem grows inside your lonely imagination. And then you get this crazy idea that you’re the only one fighting this particular fight and that you’re fighting alone.
Pretty soon, there’s the yellow police tape across the problem. The tape says Do Not Cross. It is never, never mentioned. It is not discussed outside the house on pain of severe punishment.
Then the problem shows up again, as it always does. Put up another Do Not Cross line, in front of the first one.
Then another. Pretty soon, you’re keeping out a whole new problem. The thing you were protecting in the first place is forgotten, or isn’t what it used to be anymore. Now it looks terrifying. The fear might even have passed on to the next generation.
The Bodeens have always had drinkers. The Millers never could keep a marriage together. The Smistons lose every job they’ve had. The labels start. This is a whole other problem, because today’s Bodeens have no idea what the original thing to be conquered even was. What kind of shot do they have when their rival is has no identity?
Shine a light on a secret and it will shrivel instantly. Say “You have a drinking problem”. “ I have an eating problem”. “My teenager got into trouble on Facebook”. Now you can see the enemy. You know what you have to fight. No need to take out an ad in the paper. Just don’t protect it and keep it safely hidden where it can send out more and more branches.
Don’t wonder what you’re up against. Drag it out, kicking and screaming, into the wide open. Let everyone take a good look at it, so they can bring their weapons to the fight too. Size up the opponent and muster your defenses.
Create a space for happiness and it will find you. Clutter up all your space with your own personal hellfire and there won’t be any space for the good things.
Let your children in on it (age-dependent of course). I am not so sure that marriage is great for women. I talk about it with my daughters. I don’t tell them not to marry, but we talk about its pros and cons for a woman. They’re empowered about their choices, not beholden to the “sanctity” of this convention. I talk to them about my marriage. I let the community in on the problem, knowing full well that they have the same problems, even if they’re pretending everything is fine. I can see their pressure valves straining to blow, but they just can’t release the valve. I wonder how many cancer cells are getting by their immune police.
Many might say I’m too honest. I’m the definition of “painfully honest”. Well, I is what I is. But my problems don’t seem huge. My situation is not perfect, but I don’t expect it to be. It is, however, strong.
Comments
5 Responses to “No Secrets in My House”
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I admire your honesty, Christine. Don’t stop (I know you won’t.) It’s so much more interesting and illuminating when people speak the truth. Happy belated birthday, btw!
I don’t think marriage is a very good arrangement for women and I suspect that as women pass on some of the reasons why, to the next generation of daughters the institution of marriage may be replaced with some other arrangement or system. Maybe it will be replaced with something better for all concerned. I have had what you would probably call a good marriage that has lasted for 39years and my husband and I still like being married. That’s not to say that we don’t have some real Mars and Venus issues with communication.
Maybe some adds on TV addressing the different communication styles of men and women and the problems that can esculate from this would be helpful in defusing bad outcomes. The trouble is women read all these mars and venus books but men, especially macho men won’t . Cheryl L.
Christine,
Thank you for always being so honest and articulate. I enjoy your blog very much. The most recent entry on motherhood is fantastic. I have two young children (ages 6 and 3), and can identify with many of the things you said (not quite all, but many). Again, a sincere thank you.
All best wishes,
Mary-Ellin in Albuquerque
Christine,
You’ve introduced me to a mascara I love, Paula’s clear lipliner, and Tracey Effinger. And I’ve very grateful. But it’s posts like these that really inspire me. You are a remarkable woman. Thank you for blogging this.
Amy