RSSMy Mother Died
July 31, 2008
As many of you know who check in here now and again, my mother has been ill with Alzheimer’s disease. She was diagnosed in 2001. This week, she died in her sleep.
Because her condition had been very stable, her death was quite unexpected. Still, I am grateful for so many things. We might all be thankful to die in our sleep, having suffered only less consciousness but not pain. It must be better to pass before this disease robs the body of the last traces of mercy and dignity. If I can see my children into their fortieth years, I will consider it a gift.
My mother and 2-year old me giving new baby Sonja a welcoming hair tug.
I will be offline for 2 weeks. Waiting in the wings are many conversations about the topics we love.
I so hope that everyone is enjoying this wonderful season to its fullest. Every day we spend with those we love may be the last.
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27 Responses to “My Mother Died”
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This news arrives during a week when my father is very ill and we had to swallow hard and admit him to a nursing facility. It is difficult for all of us to watch our parents disappear before our eyes. Please know that you mom will always be with you and she is no longer encumbered by the physical form. I choose comfort in knowing that I have another angel standing by to assist me on my travels in this lifetime. My heart is with you during this difficult time. May you find peace and comfort in memory of the joys you hold in your heart.
Boy!! I’m crying – what a beautiful photo. My thoughts and very best wishes are with you.
My deepest sympathies. We are never ready to let go. The day my Mother died was the day that I realized that I was a ‘grown-up’. And I still miss that feeling of being sheltered under the umbrella of “Iva’s girl’.
My deepest sympathy on your loss. Losses, even when expected, are not easy. My best wishes for you to be surrounded by love and support, now and always. Lily
May you be wrapped in the warmth of your memories. With sincere sympathy – God Bless.
kathryn
May you find that underneath you are The Everlasting Arms of our Lord God. you are in my prayers .
karen
Deepest sympathy—you and your family are in my thoughts.
Mary
I’m so very sorry for your loss — what a painful, heart-rending experience for you. ((((hugs)))))
Christine is my sister and we have been worrying about Mum for a long time. Now, instead of feeling that Mum is always apart from me, I feel that she will always be near. Just as you say Janice, there is now another angel on my team.
Dear Christine — I am a relatively new reader of your newsletter, joining after Paula Begoun (Cosmetic Cop.com) recommended it. I have enjoyed the few issues I’ve read immensely. You certainly have my sympathies on the death of your mother. As a friend told me when my mother died in 1993, you don’t ever get over it, you just get past it. At first, every memory is sharp and painful. But with time, the memories become a comfort. Now, when I unexpectedly come across something in my mother’s handwriting, it brings me joy, not sorrow. My wish is that you will come to feel that joy and that you and your family will be comforted by the good wishes and prayers of everyone you and your family have touched in some way.
I came here today for the first time, referred by Paula Begoun’s site, and read of your Mother’s passing.
My father passed peacefully five months ago in his sleep from Alzheimers, and I feel every bit of your pain.
Even if you think you’re ready or possibly relieved to see your parent no longer suffering, there is nothing that prepares you for the sorrow of losing someone who gave you life.
My most heartfelt sympathy to you and your sister. Sonja is right, she will be forever in your heart where you can keep her safe.
Amy
My prayers are with you. Thank you for sharing the beautiful photo.
I know exactly what you are feeling, I lost my mother 4 months ago today, on April 8th to a rare disease called Progressive Supra nuclear Palsy. I am a nurse and the eldest of my siblings so a lot of the responsibility fell on my shoulders. I drove back and forth to Montreal from Toronto for at least one week of each month for 5 years. It was a very special time. We were able to hire a nurse for the daytime and my father carried on through the night. Mom never spent a night away from Dad. The night before she died I went in to check on her and she and Dad were cuddled around each other the same way they spent their 50 years together…Totally in love!
The loss has left a HUGE hole in our hearts! The most difficult is seeing my amazing father alone. He never once complained about the total care my mom needed….Just gave it happily and always saw her as his bride.
This grieving process, no matter how long you prepared for this, takes time….Lots of it. 4 months later it still feels like a fresh wound, just not so many times a day.
My simpathies are with you and your family. May you visit with your mother each night in your dreams!
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. Please accept my deepest sympathies. What a very beautiful picture of the three of you!
Chris,
Read your blog on Wednesday past and sat for a hour or so quietly remembering.
Called Patrick on Thursday (was told he was away for the summer), went to the Island on Friday (Alex had soccer) and the Charlottetown market on Saturday am and who should I see but Sonja and Sabrina. She said your email was not working and that this would be the easiest way to reach you.
Funny how I knew you were not on the Island when I got there. A presence was there but not you…
The photo is incredble. She looks so much the way she did when I knew her. Beautiful and so Koootz. I am so sorry for your loss but it is as Sonja says, with a smile, “She is walking the dog everyday now.”
‘Moms’ are always with us in some shape or form.
Thinking of you always,
g
To every one who shared words and memories with such kindness,
The ability that women have to join together and strengthen and support one another at times of need never ceases to amaze me. Your comforting words have been more meaningful to my family and I than you can know. Thank you for telling us of your experiences and especially, for sharing your coping mechanisms.
Somehow, my mother’s energy feels much stronger now than it did in the last years of her life. Her spirit feels very free. Tethered to a failing body, she felt very weak. Now that she has changed her form, I can feel her swirling all around me. Our parents really don’t leave us. They live on through us, but they also live on as themselves in an altered form. I didn’t know that before.
It surprises me to be writing these words. I’m an earth-bound, analytical, secular person but I have no feeling of alone-ness after my mother’s death. I had time to adjust, she’d been sick and had not lived at home for years. When losses are very sudden, I cannot imagine the sorrow. The grieving must take place in the days and months after the passing.
I know my mother’s fine. She chose to leave us at a time when she knew we would all be ok. The timing was auspicious to the point of being spooky. I’m expecting to see her ghost any time. As one of the other 80 year old residents at her nursing home said, “A perfect death. A happy release.” She knows that her family is stronger than ever. I’ll show you some pictures of us all soon.
Again, thanks with all my heart to each of you for your words and wishes.
Christine
I just read your blog today about your Mom and was immediately drawn to read more. My Mom is 87 with alzheimer’s and has only been diagnosed for a year. She lives with me. I am her sole caregiver and am so grateful she can be at home with us. BUt the unknown for her future, day by day, is so unsettling, I am desperately trying to remember to say “hello” to her, and not “goodbye”, inspite of the days I feel she is gone.
It was such a blessing for you that your Mom died in her sleep. I pray that is how Mom will go. Peaceful. To watch her daily struggle to hang on to life as she remembers it, when she can remember it, breaks my heart. But the memories we are creating at the end I pray will be a source of peace for me when she is gone.
I, like so many other bloggers I read today, found you from Paula’s site. I haven’t taken time to read like I should, but plan to do better, as I was so blessed today by your sharing of the loss of your Mom.
May God be close to you and your sister as you face life without a Mom.
Take care,,,
Lynda
Lynda,
Your first blessing is that your Mom is 87. Mine was around 68 when the problems began, at the same time as some heart difficulties.
The early years were almost harder because Mum knew what she was losing. We felt so sorry for her, and at the same time she was angry and almost abusive at times. Just as you say, my heart broke for my Mum 10 years ago (she was 78 when she died).
Once she no longer knew anything but the present moment and the distant past, she was calmer and happier. We were glad that she never experienced pain and that we’d had our mother for almost 80 years.
I truly admire you as the sole caregiver. It is very challenging. We learned as we went along. If I were to do anything differently, it would be to reach out into the community sooner. We were amazed by how much help and support is available – for you as much as your Mum. Your position is extremely difficult, I know that.
My sister, Sonja, who writes an occasional guest article, wrote
http://www.agreenertea.com/alzheimers-disease-has-kidnapped-my-mother/
, another article about our Mum.
You will have a lifetime of memories and those of this time will be among them. Your mother won’t leave you. She will live forever through you and you will always feel her there, just as I do with my mother. You don’t have to worry.
Thanks, Christine and Sonja for sharing more with me about your Mom. I know I will be blessed by these days with her – she is so incredibly sweet and grateful for all I do for her. I’m praying the aggressive and belligerent side of this disease do not effect Mom.
And I have been checking on support in the community. It’s a responsibility I didn’t see coming, but one that I know will make me a better woman through it all.
Take care to you both….
My mum died this afternoon. Yes, I know that it seems very soon to go online on this but I want to cope with mum’s death better than I did with my dad’s 10+ years ago.
My mum had cancer throughout her body and suffered cruelly over the last few months. Luckily, she went peacefully this afternoon. I had plenty of time alone with her to tell her what a great mother she is and to hold her hand and remind her how wonderful it felt when she held my hand as a young boy.
A lot of the articles on this site make me feel better about things – the best make me feel that I am not alone. And, a beautiful timeless picture of your mum.
I know it’s going to be tough but I know my mum will always be the special person in the first half of my life.
Good night mum xxxxx
Oh, Mike, I am so sorry for the loss you are feeling. I am relieved for your Mum that she has finally been released from a body that no longer served her well.
When the choice of final outcome is taken out of our hands, we can only hope that the end is merciful, dignified, and comfortable. I hope that those were granted to her and am deeply happy that your final memories will always uplift you.
Maybe you will find that her presence is never diminished. When my mother died, I was very surprised by the strongest feeling of her energy swirling around very freely and happily. And you know, I still feel that way. I sense her more strongly now than when she was imprisoned in her failing body and have come to accept her in my life in a different form. She has attained profound calm and an ultimate freedom and I celebrate that with her.
There is no doubt that the next few days will be difficult. I hope that you have the strength to reach through the sadness and hold onto the powerful closeness you shared and know that it is not over. It has simply changed its appearance.
Hi,
My mother died on Christmas morning – 8am. She was 87 and very sick. I wished overr the last 6 months of her life that she would go, I prayed hard for it as she was not herself and it was hard for us and so hard for her.
I wasnt there when she died, she was alone and I feel so sad for her. I have a 7 year old daughter who wanted Santa, we live 200kms from my mom’s home and I wasnt there on Christmas Day. No one was, she died alone. I feel so sad for her but know her life as it was in the end was not good and she wasnt happy.
I still feel so sad she died alone and on Christmas Day, when we heard we were just about to open Santa presents – so unreal.
elenona
Elenora,
Unreal indeed – almost intended to happen that way. As though somehow it was important for you not to be there so the Universe picked the very time you would most likely have been with your family.
When my Mum went, I felt the same way – as though she had looked around, saw that we were all well, and knew the time was right for her to leave. She was alone as well but she chose such an auspicious moment to be released from her body that I must believe she had some voluntary control of it.
I don’t believe in a Heaven or Hell. I do see death as an energy change rather than as an ending. It is sad that she died alone – more for your sake, in that you carry that regret with you.
I hope you feel your mother is still with you and that she has finally found all she ever dreamed of.
My mother died yesterday. She will always be the angel that watches and guides me, just as she always tried to do in life. I am sorry for your loss as well. I now know the full gift of life and the beauty of unending love.
Dawn,
I am deeply sorry for your loss. Your mother left you with the knowledge of what it is to be completely loved so that you can share that with others.
Although I lost my mother a year ago, that feeling of having her around watching and guiding, exactly as you say, has not lessened in the slightest. I still feel her form very strongly.
I hope the next few days and weeks are not too difficult for you. Our parents don’t really die. They change shape and live on in us. Your sorrow is making a new space inside you for your mother’s spirit. Treat yourself well while you adjust.
My father died Sept 23. 2 days later, my mother, with dementia, said she would die soon, and hoped it would be quick We didn’t know at the time she had cancer, and she did go very quickly, with hospice care, on Oct 17. I had a dream the other night that I went to the hospital and couldn’t remember which parent I was there to see. Someone reminded me they were both gone and then I saw them walking away from me, next to each other, very far away. They were saying goodbye, but they kept walking away, and never looked back. I thought I would wake up and feel so much better because I understood, but I don’t feel very good right now, feel very slow and low energy and wondering if I will ever be worthwhile again.
Janine,
I am terribly sorry that you’ve lost both parents in such a short time. You had no time to adapt to the first loss, and in a very vulnerable state, you had to cope with the same sadness again. It’s understandable that you will feel inwardly focused and not participating in life for a little while.
Without meaning to be hurtful, I don’t understand how your personal worth is connected to your parents, be they living or dead. I have heard people express the feeling that “part of me died with them”, but I think the reverse is how the world was designed, meaning “they live on in me”.
Your happiness has suffered, no doubt. But your worth? It is not dependent on others. You are not responsible for anyone else’s, nor they for yours. Same with success. You can only look after yours, not your children’s or husbands’ or parents’.
There is a lot of help available if you feel your thoughts are a little scrambled or you’re can’t figure out how to get back to a healthy frame of mind. My mother had a form of dementia, and once we finally looked for help in the community, it was overwhelming. I’m certain the same is true for people who are feeling so consumed with grief. Whether it comes from within or with help, what is most important now is that you try to be well.