RSSMotherhood’s Real Gifts
July 23, 2010
Motherhood combined with wifehood is an exercise in feeling you don’t succeed at anything you try. 20 years of feeling you’ve never done anything well. If you had a career before the babies, your personal standard for everything is blown to bits.
I see women with children under 5. I know that place, I know that marriage. He’s sitting in the car waiting, while you’re running in circles trying to get 2 children ready.
I took some heat in a previous article (No Secrets In My House) for saying that marriage is not good for women. That’s fine. I like an honest response a lot more than someone telling me “Marriage makes me complete.” Motherhood is another topic that could use some real-world truths spoken upon it.
We all understand that there is no glory like our children. But life’s biggest rewards (and lessons) carry the biggest price tags.
The problems
People who tell you everything is great are lying. Makes you feel inadequate. The toddler years are ugly. Everyone’s marriage, sleep, diet, etc are the same, which is to say a mess. These people will tell you life with teenagers is easy too, but you’ll know better by then.
When babies cry, you’re not doing anything wrong. Try food. Then sleep.
We all resent our lack of freedom.
Nobody is coping.
We were all tired all the time, angry most of the time, and had no sense of humour for 15 years.
We all hated our husband if when he didn’t adjust his life. We all fantasized about what we’d do with his insurance money. Not that we’d kill him and bury him out back. But if the beer truck got him on the way home, oh, well, these things happen.
In 10 years, it gets better. In 20 years, the marriage recovers or ends. Being alone isn’t that much different from what you’re doing now. Therapy hasn’t nearly caught up with the complexities of raising children and a 30 year marriage.
Date night becomes fight night. You didn’t know what a fight was before you had a kid.
No woman can believe how unprepared for emotional commitment and parenthood men really are. We wonder how our sons will be different.
We are all amazed at the cruelty of their deliberate blindness to our despair, while their golf game went uninterrupted. Even the good-parent husbands would finally get home and see the child for 5 minutes at bedtime, and be watching the News around the child’s head.
His idea of watching the kids means getting their needs met ASAP, putting them in front of a screen, so that he can sit in front of a screen. Or everyone can sit in front of a screen together.
The power, the lessons, the gifts
Get good at buying yourself presents with his money. Realize that he’d have to spend serious money to find someone to look after his kids like you do. He will not say a word about a pedicure if he has a clue. If he is without that many clues, he can cook his own supper. Learning to let yourself show anger is not such a bad thing, when we’ve spent a lifetime being taught (told) to suppress it.
Drop the standard. Anyone who thinks the house isn’t picked up can do it themselves. Priority adjustment.
Talk truthfully to other women…and they will talk truthfully to you…and they will be your salvation. Just knowing you’re normal helps.
Give it time. You’ll be the one in control again. You’ll be pushed to the choice of caving in or standing up, and you’ll stand up. For the rest of your life, you’ll have learned to stand up.
Don’t wait for him, or anyone, to notice that you might need help. They won’t. Tell him he’ll be doing this at this time, bringing this child, these documents, and making these stops on the way. You’ll get comfortable with confrontation and delegation.
Notice that accepting offers of help is hard for some of us, like me. Especially when the resentment meter is at the max. We do it to ourselves but we become a one-woman-show. Coping skills and independence you never could have dreamed of.
You’ll be congratulated for your great kids one day, and he’ll have the humility to say “She did 90% of it” and you’ll honestly say “Quite right.”
Get them to 10 years old or so, and realize that if you could raise them virtually alone, there is NOTHING on this Earth you can’t do.
Your job won’t make you a better parent, but being a parent will make you better at your job. You’ll never talk to people the same way again.
You finally understand the full implications of the words “emotional investment”. To know what it means to give your life for another opens doors in your head.
Husbands, don’t make yourselves too dispensable disposable dispensable.
Wives, no need for bitter. There is happiness on the way.
Comments
15 Responses to “Motherhood’s Real Gifts”
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Well, I say the issu with parent hood is that you put in alot of effort for a long time and then it takes even longer to see the outcome. specially with boys,,,,,,,, and just when you think they’re on a track or a path off they veer. I have to say I’m still scared! I long for girlfriends to civilize them, but conversely I don’t wish my sons on any girls currently! And that old developmental information from toddlerhood: that one area of development like walking slows down while another, like talking, advances still happens in young adults, I swear. And don’t get me started on what social media does to development in young men! yikes. It remains the hardest job I have ever done.
Christine, rarely does one read such a true portrayal of the motherhood experience for women and the real lack of support and understanding from men.
Motherhood is a lifetime job, now I look after my granddaughter (31/2Yearsold) 4 days a week so that her mother can work full time. I have also looked after my other three grandchildren in the past 10years from 2 to 4days a week.
Just yesterday my granddaughter went home after a seven hour shift from me and my husband said what’s this F—-King mess you’ve got on the table where my granddaughter had been doing craft work. In my younger mother days I would have desperately tried to explain to him why there was a mess there.
But I just said I’m not cleaning it because I don’t feel like it and I then went out and had my hair done.
I am much tougher than I was as a young mother one of the advantages of being 61. I now realise after many years of having to stand alone emotionally that I don’t need any one to do anything for me that I’m not very capable of handling myself.
I love my two grandsons to death but I say to my daughter, it’s a shame that those male hormones will kick in and turn them into male monsters. The huge sex blog at the front of their brains when that happens will make sure of it. It pushes their emotions to the back. C. Lawlor
Dear Christine,
Yoiu really hit the hammer on the nail! So right! But who dares to say it loud?
Many, many thanks and.. continue!
Best wishes
maria
(mother of two).
Hi Christine,
Wonderful. Great. Spot on. You’re so brave. I know exactly what you mean. EXACTLY. Thank you!
Christine, what a wonderful article. I’ve been faithfully reading your blog for the last year or so and your insight on so many issues amazes me. I agree, raising children is one of the hardest – if not THE hardest thing – I’ve ever done. I just said it today, I never thought it would be this hard. I have a 5 year old daughter who hardly slept until she was 3, and still sleeps in our room. I also have a teenage son, though that’s somehow easier than the toddler years. Needless to say, “tired all the time, angry most of the time,” not to mention date/fight nights – all apply! I am so happy to read that others feel that way too. Thank you for your honesty and your wisdom!
As always, I admire your honesty and wisdom. And I still want to have one of the little buggers someday.
God bless you! Or should I say, Mary bless you! I took the first deep breath I’ve taken in a long time after reading this post. The truth will set us free. Thank you for posting this rare take of sanity.
Just a reminder that having moms and women feel inadequate is big business. I took on motherhood as if it were at profession–full steam ahead. I subscribed to the parenting journals, watched parenting shows, bought parenting books to make sure I did everything I could to have a happy, health child. I did, and she is the joy of my life, but the truth is, it takes a high toll.
Also, despite the lip service in this country to motherhood being as American as apple pie, mothers lose social security benefits, retirement benefits, and if unmarried or divorced, generally health care benefits if not working full time. The career takes a hit. I recall reading that divorced mothers are the largest source of poverty in our nation.
I don’t know any woman who has come out on the other side of a divorce in better financial or career shape. Or better physical shape. Not saying there aren’t people who do, I just haven’t seen a lot of it.
The expense of raising kids is enormous, too. I have one sibling who had no children, and who has numerous vacations per year, enjoys live theater, and high-end restaurants on a regular basis. I’d still choose my child, but the life-style differential can be huge.
If you are contemplating motherhood, please realize that in most cases, you will be taking a back seat to others’ needs, non-stop, 24-hours a day, for a minimum of 18 years. It’s rewarding, but not to be taken lightly. A puking kid, even at 18, does not care you’ve only had a couple of hours a sleep night after night. You do what you have to do.
In virtually every medical, talk or advice show I’ve watched in decades has almost every woman —or sympathetic counselor–saying, “Oh, mothers are last of the list of priorities.” I remember thinking, “Wow! At least they are on the list!”
Now my child is in college, and i find myself wondering, what is next. It may seem simple to grapple with, but I often feel lost and depressed. Generally, it’s not okay to admit that–at least not more than once.
Thank you for the gift of your authenticity. What a relief! By the way, one of the best articles I have read on this subject was written by Lance Armstrong’s ex-wife. It’s also wonderful. Thank you both for speaking up!
I’m sorry, it’s not just a hormones thing. Speaking as a working mum whose husband is at home with 2 under-5s all day (a matter of economics, rather than choice) I have come home on a couple of occasions and immediately been distracted by the state of the house, rather than enjoying the greetings of my family. If the day has been tough, harsh words may have been said. Now, being a woman, I know this is unfair, so have taken steps to try to bite my tongue, as I know it only causes bitterness, and in the end I would much rather they were all having fun/ learning/ doing stuff together than sitting still on a tidy sofa, but I can’t help the feeling that I deserve to come home to a tidy house, rather than start the never-ending task of trying to keep our house clean. In my heart I know what is important, but I am still trying to break the conditioning that judges us by the appearance of our homes.
Tonight I’ll give my husband a hug & remind him what a great job he’s doing, and none could do it better (he needs it as it’s the start of 6 weeks’ holiday from nursery school!)
Thanks, Christine, for reminding me that happy parents lead to a happy home.
Thank you for such honesty. I stay home with 2 toddlers and I was feeling like the biggest failure. It’s nice to know you are not alone.
Hi Christine,
You are soooo right sister! I am a mother of 3, the youngest with Autism, Epilepsy and Tourrettes (mostly managed by meds.). I have only had a few part time jobs throughout looking after my special needs son so cannot contribute fully to our income. Now I have faced with my own cronic hip pain and menopause! I am severely hot all the time but the temp. in the house is for his comfort and not mine. With all of this he is still golfing all he wants If it was up to him and the meds for my son I shudder to think what would have happened (he would dispense/measure his way and not exactly so I have the sole responsibility for this). Is this men’s way of guilting you into doing everything that needs to be done right? And they only do the stuff that they can get away with a half assed effort? Counting the days till happiness, sometimes don’t think it will ever come.
I often think that Nature’s biggest mistake was the invention of testosterone – but she did it to herself and has to pay the price. It is a dangerous molecule, the MOST dangerous one.
It’s about time someone said out loud what we all know to be true. I expected all sorts of comments about how “motherhood and wifehood make me feel like a real woman”, but all I’ve gotten are Thank Yous. I’d buy more magazines for mature women if they weren’t so busy being safe. Without question, my children are my reason for living and the best thing I will ever do, but easy, it ain’t. In our house, though certainly not in every house, the children are better off with the presence of the father. What would the world look like if women raised them entirely? Probably a lot better. As Cheryl said, marriage is (hopefully) on the way out – and it will be replaced by something that creates better men and happier women.
A friend said I must have been really angry when I wrote this article. I wasn’t. I used to be, for years, but I’m not any more. Any woman feeling discouraged and too exhausted to make rational decisions, do nothing. Put one foot in front of the other and consider that good enough to get through the day. You’ll get strong and learn how to get along, as the song said. And don’t make a hard job harder by keeping ketchup out of your life because of the high sugar. Organic is a great compromise.
What women know, but have been taught to keep quiet about, could sink ships. What we have pretended not to be angry about for centuries, or not let ourselves get angry because we were afraid we couldn’t stop once we turned on the tap, could change the world.
I heard once that if more women were honest about motherhood and their real feelings, there would be less post partum depression (especially for first time mothers) and it would be the biggest gift they could ever bestow on their daughters and friends.
oh, one more thing. I’ve never seen a man folding laundry or doing dishes while watching TV. That about sums it up.
Wow, good topic Christine. I needed to read this today. I haven’t been on line since march. Today is the first day back on and I thought of your blog. The only thing I can think to say is…Septembre 1st my third child is moving out and we’ll have only two left at home. The house is getting a little more quiet. It’s wonderful!!!!!!!!!! I don’t feel sad about her moving out at all. After twenty-five years of raising kids,, I’m looking forward to some me time. Oh, and maybe some time for Brad too I guess.
Hey, Nathalie,
Maybe in another 25 years, we’ll get to see each other more often. Jeeeeeeez.
We are so weighed down by society’s ideas of what women should do and be and look like. We follow along but know in our hearts that it doesn’t speak for us. Marketers don’t know how to talk to us. We barely know what we really want, how could they? In a sense of letting go to move forward, some truths could be spoken, if only to allow more of us to feel that we don’t have to go around pretending. It’s too tiring.