HOW TO MAKE TIME

November 2, 2007

Consider this : what standard have YOU set for yourself? It may be too high.

Women are trying to meet an impossibly high standard but this is not news to anybody. We carry around a constant burden of never meeting anyone’s expectations – not our spouse’s, not our employer’s, not the kids’, not even the dog’s, and certainly not our own.

Actually, we probably meet and exceed all those expectations, with the exception of our own. We set up our lives that way because it is natural for women to care for those they love, it feels good to be selfless. We want to look back and know that we gave all we could to make them feel happy and cared for. The end result is that we live like hamsters on wheels.

Ask yourself: Have you CHOSEN to set an impossible goal?

The more we deny ourselves to try to please everyone else, the less grateful they all appear to be. We mutter about them while we drive endlessly around town. We practice scenarios where we tell them what we really think of how we’re treated. It’s some kind of odd reverse psychology that we set up – we surpass our maximum work capacity intentionally, to reinforce the right we feel to be resentful of the load we must bear.

Everyone has agreed that it is not humanly possible to be the wife, the employee, the mother, the — . There is no one left who contests this point. Those who looks like they’re pulling it all off are paying a price somewhere. Do you know who will notice if you do a little more? Nobody but you. And who will notice if you do less? Again, nobody but you.

Cultivate YOUR essential well-being (for a change)

I posted previously about the importance of taking time for yourself every day. You don’t owe it to anyone to stay up all night cleaning and get physically run down , so why would you owe it to anyone to get more and more run down emotionally? To know that you are not stagnant, to better understand who you were meant to be, you must clear some time in your day to extend your borders and to think about the barriers that face you.

Women are deeply spiritual beings. By no means is that to say that we are all religious, at least I’m not. I mean that we have been given intuition, instinct, awareness, and perception of the energy fields that surround other people. While men have their feet planted solidly on the ground, eyes on the horizon line directly ahead, thoughts grounded securely in reality, we are more influenced by the multiple incoming signals from the force fields around us. This gets easily lost in the busy-ness of the days.

In order to see your obstacles and understand how to break them down, the circus has to be put on hold to give you time to think.

13 ways to create time

1. Invest time now for a payback later . My weak point is delegating duties. When my children were young, I learned to do all the cooking and housework myself and it’s still easier and faster if I do it. In the beginning, it takes even more of my time to get something done if I accept someone’s help. But this is an investment you’re making in yourself, and like with everything else, you have to give something in order to get something back. With very little practice, the children will learn to do the job well and it will free up big blocks of time in your life.

2. Do not deny your family the chance to help. Children enjoy contributing in meaningful ways. They thrive on knowing that the whole family works towards a goal as a unit and that their participation is needed. Adults need to know that their offering is of value in society. This is even more true of children because it is harder for little people to give in ways that are meaningful.

Children, even teenagers, have a powerful desire to be confident that their working skills are appreciated but also considered necessary and that they are an important part of strengthening the family unit. A very vulnerable family unit is very disruptive for kids. Children who have learned to see themselves as valuable contributors carry that knowledge in later life and will easily recreate it as adults.

Do not go back over the work they just did and improve on it. Their response will be “Why did I bother?”, and so would mine be.

3. What would your elderly self say? I am very glad that I decided long ago not to care what the house looks like and I have never regretted that decision, and I never will. I could either get movement into my life OR I could have an immaculate house, but I couldn’t manage both.

I try to make a lot of my decisions based on how I will feel about a situation looking back on it when I’m 70 years old. Have you ever met an older woman who says ‘ I really should have worked more hours at the office’, or ‘I should have taken less time for myself and diminished my own needs a little more; thank heavens I always had my dishes done on time’. I think not. What they say is ‘If you’re coming over just to look at my house, I wish you wouldn’t come’. The family can get over it or clean it themselves.

4. Stop needing everything to be perfect. Learn to distinguish between perfect and good enough.

5. Accept help when it is offered. Ask for it when it isn’t.

6. The vaccum works for anyone who uses it. If someone is complaining that something isn’t meeting their expectations, make it clear that they should feel free to address that problem themselves. Show them where the cleaning products are kept and then turn the kettle on and sit down. They’ll figure it out. Everyone adjusts when it’s obvious that they have to. Express an attitude of ‘if you don’t do it, then it doesn’t get done because it is not my job today’.

For some women, this is very difficult. Remember the bigger picture. This isn’t really about who puts away the dishes. It’s about becoming a person who is profoundly calm and happy all day, every day, and who has learned that only she has the power to make that happen. If doing all the work while the family looks after nobody but themselves infects your every day with anger, then do something about it. Only you can.

7. When you’re alone, do only what you love. Do not do anything when you’re by yourself that you could do when the family is around. Don’t use your day off as your cleaning day.

8. Lose some TV time. Do not watch inane TV. Do not watch TV to keep someone company. Do something you actively love. Read. Actually talk to your kids. Make sure you can answer yes if you ask yourself ‘do I really love this time, right now?’. Watch your favorite show. But don’t sit there for the hour before and after. Those hours won’t be given back to you to use better the second time round. How many hours of your life are you willing to write off?

9. Do your kids really need to be in so many activities? Does every evening need to be spent climbing in and out of the minivan dragging bags? Does it set an example of family life that you would want them to re-enact, to be forever driving around town, or to different towns, worried you’ll be late, thinking of what you forgot to bring, finally eating supper later than the child’s bedtime?

10. Cook on the weekend. Turn on the BBQ and do a pile of meat for the week ahead. Make a huge pot of mashed potatoes or chili. The family doesn’t like eating the same thing twice in the same week? They need to get over that. Or you do.

11. Buy your kids gifts… but let them work off the cost. Keep sheets on the wall. They can have their automatic unpaid chores that they are responsible for just as members of the family, but they can do extra chores to get extra money. It’s like a reverse incentive program. Every time they walk by the money sheet, they see that they owe a debt. They can repay it by doing extra housework at any rate they wish.

12. Know your colors. You can go through a store in minutes, I kid you not. In many cases, you need not walk in the door because you can see the colors they’re doing that season from outside.

13. Make it an exercise in control. People are most calm and satisfied when they feel that they are in control of what happens to them. If you feel that life is controlling you, you feel anger and anxiety. Look for any opportunity to be the one who decides what happens to you. It all counts, it all adds up. The more you practice, the better you get. The context doesn’t really matter, be it at home, work, or socially, with coworkers, employers, or families. This is a transferable skill.

Posted by Christine Scaman | Filed Under Happiness

Comments

2 Responses to “HOW TO MAKE TIME”

PamA on June 13th, 2008 2:45 am

Love this. I work and have 2 young kids (2 and 4) and a husband that is in business for himself and he travels a lot. I am struggling with finding time for me–often surfing the net is my “quality time” which is bad. I balance an intense love of my childre with some intense anger and resentment that I have to do everything all the time. There were sections of this entry that I really need to take to heart–for the sake of my children and my marriage. Thank you for this.
Christine Scaman on June 13th, 2008 5:55 am

Pam, we’ve all been there. We’re all still there. Like you, I adore my kids. I looked around at women who were giving and giving and realized they were paying a heavy price. I decided that there is a limit to what we owe our children and there is also a minimum that we owe to ourselves. Once I got that figured out, some days still being better than others, there was a lot more mutual respect in the household.