HOW TO FIGHT WITH A MAN AND WIN

April 11, 2008

I have found that when you are going to confront the husband about whatever it might be, it is useful to have a strategy. My strategy is this: “I have decided that I do too much of the crap work in this house. I have also decided that it is now your job to take care of the garbage and recycle. I am no longer doing this job whether you do it or not”.

Spidey fight

Calculated maneuvers

OK, good strategy, but notice some things. First, I got right to the point. Second, I did not merely bring up the complaint, I also announced the solution, leaving no room for anyone else’s solutions that I might not like as well as my own.

Here is another version: “I am buying a new dishwasher. It can sit in the middle of the floor forever or you can install it. I don’t mind which happens”.

Who decided that men and women should live together???

Women and children should live on one continent, and men should live on a separate continent. Ferries would go across for Procreation Week. Now this makes so much more sense than the present system.

Men have no innate foggiest first notion about what it takes to sustain an emotional commitment, or what having a family will entail. They are surprised to find that life is not just the same as it always was when you were both 20 and single, plus a few extra bodies. It takes them 15 years to make most of the necessary adjustments.

Women do not have this expectation, so there is no element of surprise when it fails to materialize. Cheez Whiz ground into the upholstery of the new vehicle on the second day is not a bolt from the blue.

Do not go in with a general complaint

Women are too good at bowing down to a grouchy man. The woman then goes into collaborative mode, as women do when uncertain, and the man goes into the male default, which is power mode. There is also a good dose of feeling sorry for himself. Nothing changes and the stress level is higher.

You cannot babble on for 5 min leading up to it. Men can’t hear that approach, it’s too many words coming too fast mixed up with too many ideas. Cut the guy some slack here. Their brains are physically not capable of coping with that much incoming chatter. You’ll confuse him and make him even more defensive.

Do not go on about the last 6 weeks or the next 6 weeks. If you’ve been carrying this grievance around for 6 wks and didn’t say anything, it’s your fault.

You must have a plan.

Never fight to lose

Fight to win.

Say what you have to say in 90 sec. Then, you immediately change the subject. Now, if he brings it back up because he’s feeling there are some unresolved concerns, he’s the one who’s making it into a big deal, not you. One of the many beauties of aging is that the “grouchy man” syndrome loses much of its power to reduce you. Fear no longer holds us back.

You feel exceptionally good because you’ve shifted the burden elsewhere. You are instantly more rational than you were when emotion gripped you and your voice was shaking because it took you 6wks to build up to what you had to say. If anyone brings the subject back up, it will be him which makes him look whiny and petty, not you for a change.

Now if the subject does come back up, you can discuss it from a position of strength. You leave joyful. Someone else may have a shitty day, but it won’t be you.

Locate your inner man

This is one of the great strengths that men have – they say:

1. what they have to say instead of hinting around it and being so vague that nobody knows what they’re trying to say,
2. it to whom it needs to be said, not their 8 friends and their mother
3. it as soon as it happens, not 3 months later after they’ve carried it around and let it poison their every waking moment
4. it, and then they are able to get over it, and they leave as friends; they do not wallow in resentment till it spoils the relationship with nuances and stilted behavior forever more.

If it’s him, then tell him about it.

He may be in a bad mood afterwards, but you won’t be. You will feel lighter and unburdened and it will save you all that muttering while you’re driving. You do have to deal with his mood, but you can learn to block that out.

Look at him with wonder and sympathy. Or just pretend you don’t notice it, as you revel in your lightness of being. Ask him if he had a bad day at work. Don’t rub it in. Just ignore it.

Whatever you do next, do not feel guilty about it. If that does happen, you need to go for a walk immediately.