RSSDO YOU ALLOW SOMEONE ELSE TO CONTROL YOUR MONEY?
February 24, 2008
I recently published an article entitled What Does Money Mean To You? Through the public and private responses and conversations that came from that post, some of which you can see in the Comments following the article, I have become increasingly nervous about my understanding of our own family finances, which is somewhere below moderate.
Does your husband control the money?
When I feel nervous about money, I speak with Tracy Theemes. You’ve met her in the Money article above, as an Investment Advisor for RBC Dominion Securities in Vancouver. This woman is exceptionally gifted is in understanding the relationship between women and money. As a wife and mother herself, she empathizes deeply with the social position women occupy (or is it, allow themselves to occupy?).
Tracy’s response
Tracy took the time to write a conscientious response to my request that she read the Money article and the responses. The following is a transcript of her email to me. It is so important that you sense the urgency in her words that I have changed very little. The paragraph breaks have been moved to create a better flow. Some personal comments from Tracy’s own life have been removed.
Tracy Theemes
“ I don’t know if the written word can express the depth of my concern about the comments below.
I have spent the last two weeks trying to figure out why women allow themselves such passivity over the most important currency in this culture. From a business point of view I see women letting male advisers treat them disrespectfully, widows keeping their investments in what “George” had even though George was always crappy at the money game and divorcees simply looking for another man (brother, son, CA, it doesn’t matter) fill in the role of the patriarch and tell them what to do about their money.
Today in my class I told a story to my 25 women about an elderly woman who will not move her business even though her advisor called her an “old bitch”. When I asked the class to explain her behaviour to me…they said that women are used to men dominating them. I replied that there is no domination without allowing.
The more interesting question is why do we allow this? They gave some interesting answers. I am not encouraged. I thought that women would welcome education, respect and communication at their own level. Apparently not. They surrender control way too often and, unless forced, still think this whole money thing is going to miraculously all work out and some guy is going to do it.
What good does it do if we own 70% of all the assets in the country if we give the control back to the men? And as a person who has interacted with hundreds of Canadian women in the last year and a half, that is exactly what is going to happen if we keep on this path.”
We as a gender in this country are woefully ignorant and submissive about the big money. (Not to be confused with the fussing we do about saving 25 cents on a no name brand of Spaghetti-O’s instead of the national brand)
Women certainly become emotional on the topic. Too often, the emotions resonate in the realm of justification and rationalization for not taking action. There is simply no reason good enough to not understand your financial situation and not deal with it. We must understand that mortgage is debt and therefore we cannot buy the stuff I want while we pay if off. And it’s just stupid to play games, or find excuses, about buying stuff when it is not in your long term financial best interest.
But I have also come to the conclusion that my empathy and understanding are holding women back. It’s time for tough love. Get out those net worth statements, women, and fill them out!!”
My intention
She’s been tough with me, though not tough enough, about learning where the money is, and is not, in my family. My husband looks after the majority of the family finances. I can make a million excuses. I was busy with three kids… I have a job of my own… He takes no interest in the house, so I have to do that too….
Time for me to shut my mouth and open my mind, and get real. There is no excuse. My resistance comes entirely because I would rather take no responsibility so I can’t be given any blame. I cannot be too busy to have some knowledge of an energy and a power that affects me so deeply.
I intend to write at the end of this month that my husband and I have come together as equals in this matter. We will share an equal comprehension and participation in our financial position and future decisions.
Please post a comment to our community and tell us that you did the same.
A final question
I wonder why the men want this control. I know that men assume a power position quickly when challenged. However, in the day to day management of household expense, the confrontation factor is not huge. It seems to me that they would prefer to share responsibility (and fault, when things go badly).
Is it that they managed it all for so long that it’s annoying to have to explain it all to us, from the beginning? Is it that they don’t want us to see what they’ve been doing in case we challenge them, or have better ideas? Are they so confident that they’re doing the best job possible that they don’t need help, particularly when our advice is backed with no knowledge or experience in the subject?
What do you think?
Comments
3 Responses to “DO YOU ALLOW SOMEONE ELSE TO CONTROL YOUR MONEY?”
Got something to say? I hope so.
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A Greener Tea
Web Maintenence by Rick Beckman
As a husband who is actively in the process of teaching/sharing and bringing my wife into the financial picture as I write this, I can tell you it’s a huge sense of relief that the bad and good news, and decisions are shared.
My wife was pissed off with my management style {lazy}, and I am convinced she also thought I had some evil secret somewhere that I was hiding. She is getting into the gory details now, and working with our broker/banker/accountant and so on. No secrets, and I am hugely relieved to have the help, as well as having her understand what is involved. It takes a lot of pressure off me.
When it is all on the shoulders of one person, it is easy for the other one to point the finger when there is nothing left in the chequing account. It is harder to make someone else take the blame when you were in on the decision making process. I am married to someone who would rather not know the gory details, as you put it. This makes it easier to plan your vacation.