RSSChristmas With Family
December 15, 2008
Why is it always right before a holiday that my weight is right where I want it? Back in September when I looked down at my body and wondered whose it was and how my head got attached to it, I thought I’d never feel my strength again. I believe there’s a 2 week setback headed our way.
And why is it that I handle stress so much better when my weight is in a decline, when I’m a little hungry all the time? I bet there’s a physiologic explanation but it eludes me. Kind of off topic, but still true. I wonder about it because the difference is dramatic.
Road trip!
In a van reeking of rose, which Bill won’t detect because his sense of smell only has 2 settings : Skunk / No Skunk , we’re driving to PEI. In a little minivan. With skates, snowsuits, gifts, and a lot of skin care products. If we get home without disease or accident, I consider family trips a fierce success.
The family is delighted with road trips. They eat junk food and watch movies for 20 hours. I am terribly bored. I try to do inner calming exercises. I listen to Josh’s Christmas CD. I’d go in the back and watch the movies but there’s no space. I’ve heard Star Wars Episode 3 eight times and never seen it once. The sounds are grotesque. This time, I bought The Golden Compass.
Once, ten years ago, we tried to drive all night. Oh, right. We were at the Ramada Inn by 10PM. The mother, the most pathetic one in the car, had her own room. Didn’t care if it cost $400 a night. And nobody was allowed in. We haven’t repeated that adventure. We try to not even talk about it.
I’ve Googled all the malls on the way. We’re driving through the US, you see. I love the USA. I’m so happy to be there. Even Wendy’s seems more fun. We usually drive through Canada but that Ottawa to Fredericton stretch is a nightmare of winter driving.
One thing about Christmas bugs me
I thought about what gets on my nerves about Christmas so as to deal with it. I’m a listmaker because it keeps my problems separated and they look more manageable.
Here is my list:
1. It costs too much.
Solution : The gift buying got pared down to the bare minimum. Nobody’s feelings were hurt. Everyone was relieved. We would all like to pare down our list. We live in a world where $20 gifts seem almost cheap and we’re expected to give $80 gifts. Every magazine says so. I give the gifts I sincerely want to give for the pleasure of choosing them and knowing they will be enjoyed. I don’t give a single thing that I have to give.
What kids learn at Christmas
I heard complaints from my offspring that “all my friends get 15 gifts” – ya, well , tough. Get over it. You got 5, less than $200 total. Be glad your parents live together and don’t fight. This is not a grab-all-you-can bonanza.
Being born into wealth is one of the worst things that can befall a child, I think. They are sloshing around in notions of entitlement and have very little sensitivity to anything else.
I don’t deny that the bred-in-the-bone belief that money comes easily has value because that’s the world they’ll reconstruct for themselves as adults. Hopefully they have the creative intelligence to learn what excess means and come to feel the pride that results from work.
I think a lot about what kind of human being I want to be. After all, it is my choice. It is not stamped on my DNA. I lived with a woman when I was in University 20 years ago. She showed me what it means to think about the other guy. People who understand the effect their behavior might have on others, and care enough to alter their actions without turning it into a big sacrifice, have my respect.
I’m sensitive to it in parenting skills also. Children are reared to achieve, to be confident, to express their individuality, to excel, whatever. Nobody has ever introduced the concept that their actions and words might have an effect on other people, nevermind what that effect might be. They’re entirely inwardly focused. They’re driven to be disciplined, to get certain marks, to own certain things so they can be part of certain groups – big deal.
Most of them are a pain to be around. Many, MANY, are outright cruel. They do what makes them feel good in the moment with nary a glimmer that their deeds could have any impact on another living being. Parents allow these little superstars to treat them so condescendingly, it’s embarrassing to watch. These kids certainly don’t deny themselves if they feel their needs must be met, with no hunch about what the greater good could possibly mean. They may be future success stories but they’ve never learned to release their tight grasp on their needs to accommodate someone else or take care with their feelings. They’re clever, but who cares? If they’re at your house, you’re counting the minutes till they go home.
Two Stories
I always say that if I had to choose again, I’d never be a veterinarian. I would be a cosmetic dermatologist. But that’s not true. I really am, or I’ve become, a cat and dog doctor. My mother showed me how to communicate with them. I don’t share too many stories from that world but these two, so opposite, are pertinent.
Muffin is a 10 year old Schnauzer. She’ll bite you if she doesn’t know you, and might try even if she does. That’s ok. Vets spend their first year out of school being eaten alive. After that, they develop faster reflexes than a Jedi. Her owner is an elderly gentleman who has no family. He is not expected to live 3 days. He has cancer. Muffin, who came to this man when her previous owner died of cancer, has been living with the neighbor for a month. Gradually, she has stopped eating. The last thing to go was her desire to play with her ball. There is no money to determine if she has an illness or has simply decided that there’s no point in living. Everything she cared about has been taken away, again – but this time, she’s older and she can’t cope. This isn’t an uncommon situation. Yesterday, it just got to me.
At the far other end of the spectrum, my wonderful colleague and I were discussing Christmas wish lists. Her entire family is coming for Christmas and some gifts in the exchange will be between near strangers. She commented on how hard she was finding it to write her list because “there’s nothing I want”.
She speaks for most of us. “There is nothing I want”. When in the history of the world have humans been able to say that? Our needs are so completely met that we actually would prefer not to receive more “stuff”. Christmas just makes me weepy. I thought about it all day.
Christmastime places an expectation that everyone should find everlasting joy. Easily. At Target. Many won’t. Muffin will probably not be alive.
Find the meaning
For those of you so overwhelmingly blessed that you will be with your family, eating well, sharing gifts that you don’t need, knowing that you have more than everything you want, take 10 minutes in solitude each day to be deeply grateful.
I’ll be back two weeks. I wish for you to find peace in your own thoughts. There’s no price tag worthy of it. Enjoy your families, however you feel about them the rest of the year. Every other thing in life is for sale.
Comments
7 Responses to “Christmas With Family”
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Thank you for your insight as I seem to journey that same mindful path that you are on. During the holiday season, I tend to look up at a yellowed copy of Max Ehrmann’s Desiderata that is tacked up over my desk. I found it hard to value and appreciate all the good things I had, but I have finally allowed my heart to handle all the really important things. No expectations of perfection, aging gracefully, loving and letting go, and I find I have “big sigh” moments that are bittersweet, blissful, with depth I would never imagine. Bless little Muffin and all who just feel it is too hard to cope anymore. It is up to us, who have so much, to open our hearts and arms to those that are in need (even if they do bite sometimes) and provide that encouragement and love that is needed. Thank you again for your moving words and have a wonderful holiday with your family and friends.
May God bless you, Christine, and may God bless Muffin and all others like Muffin who have no speech to tell us what they feel. We need to take care of them as well as each other.
Susan
Skunk\ no skunk is possibly the funniest thing I have read all week. We also have had vacation moments that we don’t refer to. I believe that my husband blocks them out of his memory entirely. It’s the glue that keeps us together; selective memory. Happy Christmas and safe travel home. I’ll phone you when you get there.
Thanks, Christine. This was a really good post–especially a really good holiday post. I, too, loved the skunk/no skunk. And, I’m very sad for Muffin. I can relate. Have a great Christmas.
Wonderful, Christine,
your insight ! You are so right!
We here in the West, so to speak, are so blessed.
I am just back from Kenya, visited orphanages, saw kids – boys, mainly ! – go to school without shoes…. no money for that, and if there is some money, it is for the boys to go to school…. not the girls, and I can go on and on…
I wish you – and yours – a very festive season and look forward to your future insights!
Many thanks.
maria
Thank you so much, to all of you who wrote comments. Holidays are indeed a double-edged sword, but this one most of all.
We gave the schoolteachers gifts in their name from WorldVision this year. My children tell me the donations were received with comments of “the most meaningful thing you could have given me”. And I felt so much better than all the other years.
Happiness does come down to giving more than getting. Women really do (as Karen said) relate. It is one of our specialties.
Peaceful reflections to all in the time to come.
As I sit in my cozy library I hear the students chattering. It is the human food chain and the entire school has gathered in the auditorium to form a line that passes the non perishable food items out to the truck that delivers them to the local food bank. There is not one foul word, not one complaint and a whole bunch of giggling. My door is shut because… well… it is the library after all shhhh ….but I can still hear it all… most not even mufflled. Teachers are in there too.
.
I just read your post and thought ‘now that works.’ I too have a problem with gift buying. My mom has asked me to purchase her gifts and send them off for her to my siblings. That I find much easier than purchasing something from myself to give. I wonder why that is? I see her and know exactly what she would want these people to have.
I am blessed to simply have her with me.
My daughter will be home by Friday, another exam term of life complete and that too is a gift.
I am not at my ideal weight and am aware that with all the cream cheese that goes through my house this time of year the chance of reaching that or even maintaining status quo is slim to none. Also agree that I am less able to deal with stress when my pants are cutting into my waist and I have a ‘back fat’ ‘visual. Again what is that? New gym membership is the only thing I have asked for and was told “but you will get that anyway” ..then added a magnifying mirror so I can put on my eye makeup without going around and under the glasses
Life is good though and your blog makes it better. Thank you so much for that!
Skunk no skunk….so Bill …so funny.
Time to go and join the food line.. I think the door needs to be open
Merriest of Christmases. Ring if you get the chance. Will be thinking of you.