RSSCategory: Happiness
… So Damn Afraid Of Who I Am
September 19, 2008
My friend Nathalie said those words in a comment to Are You A Toned-Down Version Of Yourself?
She said,
Every so often, I ‘ll go back to read it again. I find it helps me gain strength in who I want to be and to not be so damn afraid of who I am. I guess the word is “confidence”.
When I began this venture, one goal was to understand what it is that women are so afraid of. Can you feel it, in yourself, or your friends, that holding back? I sense the caution in me too. I can only go so far in my self-discovery journey before I get uncomfortable and antsy.
Women (not girls) and fear
Is there a genetic switch on the X chromosome that flips with puberty?
Is it the female collective unconscious, the buried memories all women share of having been made to suffer physically and mentally for centuries that makes us so hesitant?
Is it just easier to be dutiful and obedient? Are we still listening to our parents’ warnings?
I don’t see it in girls before they’re 15 or so, but it is certainly there once they reach the late teens. Everyone appears to be born equal. Where does our confidence go?
Nathalie gets it in 1
But Nat’s just figured it out. She said it all right there. Are you amazed or is it just me? I was rooted to my chair.
It’s not anything external that we women are afraid of. It’s ourselves! It’s what we know we could be. It’s the knowledge that we could be all that we want to be. We are torn to distraction by the conflict of knowing we’re good enough and thinking we might not be.
It’s the need we have to apologize for everything and doubt ourselves so much. This is not wishing you were someone else. It’s dumbing ourselves down because it’s easier than coping with the fallout of having it all. We’d rather broadcast “don’t notice me, I’m not that great” than turn the spotlight on ourselves.
Living a life without limits is scary. We paint ourselves into a corner that keeps our truest selves, our Deeper Self, secret and guarded.
Grow in your own eyes
You don’t have to be who your parents expected. Or wanted.
You can try something and screw up completely and not be less than who you are. You can change your mind as often as you like and not apologize.
Women care more (or actually notice) how others feel. We are programmed to smoothe and unite. Now and then, overlook the discomfort of others for the sake of your growth and theirs.
Ignore the ‘on the rag’ comments, the “bitch” and the “dizzy” comments. People are not really being negative about you, just reacting to unease in themselves as you change the rules. Others become a little afraid of who we are too. It takes time to learn.
Is it the shift in the balance of power in the relationship that they sense? Is it anxiety about what else you’re planning to torpedo them with?
Who cares? Unfold a new piece of you every day and let it flex its muscles. Practice thinking about yourself in bigger terms that you do now.
Tulips smiling up at the sun, just for you, Nathalie.
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My friend Nathalie said those words in a comment to Are You A Toned-Down Version Of Yourself?
She said,
Every so often, I ‘ll go back to read it again. I find it helps me gain strength in who I want to be and to not be so damn afraid of who I am. I guess the word is “confidence”.
Welcome To Reality
September 17, 2008
At a party recently, a group was discussing and wondering why life is so tough, why you never get a break, why things always seem to go wrong, why everybody’s broke. One woman chimed in “Well, welcome to reality”.
Whose reality?
That’s not my reality.
Is it just the reality of people committed to being sick and miserable?
Is it the reality of people who watch the news and believe that it really represents the world we live in? The news on TV is only ever bad, which is just not possible. But it will still paralyze you if you watch it.
Is it the reality of people who have lived with financial tension for so long they no longer see a fridge full of food? What exactly do they need so much that they can’t buy ?
Is it just our culture? I’m reminded of the type of people who work in Small Business Loans in banks. Now I know that banks (at least in Canada) are doing what they’re supposed to which is to be risk-averse (they’re not investors after all) and to keep our money safe, and they do it well. But the Loans officers across the desk-who are also just doing their job-have gotten a lot of practice at saying No.
They read the proposals, purse their lips, look down through their progressive bifocals (nothing against them either, I wear them myself, see?
, it’s just the image I’m conjuring), you can see their scrap of imagination frying up the more of the proposal they read, and they hand it back to you across the desk with a terse and final little “No”. No, No, No, No.
Reality can’t be real. It’s not the same for any two people. There are no rules to this game. You can make them all up as you go.
Have a little creativity. Reality is whatever you say it is. Make your own reality. Yeah, ok, you don’t have the exact car you want. In your list of things you’re thankful for, is your car on the list anyway?
There are people for whom everything is a Yes. They say Yes things, they see them, they live them. Their life becomes a self-directed Yes because they chose it. Their imagination is unleashed. They invent their own Northern Star.
Get excited about what’s right in your life. Most of us have so much of it. Continue to dream. It’s you in the control tower. It’s you at the wheel. Nobody is running your show but you.
Let those Welcome To Reality comments ricochet right off you. It’s as good or as bad as you decide it is.
Does this sound like nothing more than positive thinking? Basically that’s all it is. But that’s a choice too. You’re not born a negative thinker or a positive thinker. You can certainly absorb the tendency from the family whose conversation you hear or the friends you spend time with. Before you know it, you’ve heard yourself say it so often, it’s a habit.
At some point, it was a choice you had. It’s still a choice you have.
-->At a party recently, a group was discussing and wondering why life is so tough, why you never get a break, why things always seem to go wrong, why everybody’s broke. One woman chimed in “Well, welcome to reality”.
Whose reality?
Advice For Girls Of All Ages
September 5, 2008
-->1. Never let a boy tell you what you think. Let yourself graduate.
2. There are no last chances. No last chances to get in on a game. No last chances for amazing jobs. There is always another chance.
“So, You’re A Shill For Paula, Right?”
September 2, 2008
That was the title of a recent email. There was no text, but I think the title said it all. Excellent. I’ve been wondering when someone would ask.
What will I shill?
First, I had to look up the meaning of the word “shill”. The dictionary in my computer tells me that a shill is “an accomplice of a hawker, gambler, or swindler who acts as an enthusiastic customer to entice or encourage others”. The usage in everyday language is more relaxed, but still implies two agents working in concert to promote sales.
I’m not really a shill for products, any more than any woman who shares information that might be of help to other women in her community. Women have individual and particular tastes about products and that’s just fine.
Ideas
If I’m a shill for anything, it would be for ideas, though more as a proponent than for mutual financial benefit. An example is the idea that women belong to certain color groups, or seasons if you follow the outlines in Carole Jackson’s great book, Color Me Beautiful book. I am absolutely a believer.
The Human Cooperative
I’ll also elbow my way to the head of the line for “Shills of the TED Conference” (TED home page here). The list of all the themes covered by speakers at TED are here, at the Themes A-Z. Whenever human beings leave behind all their hangups in the spirit of sharing, cooperation, and building something together, I want to be there. Watch Dan Gilbert tell us about happiness:
The internet
The internet itself is what I am the biggest shill for. It has brought us freedom of speech, idea, and expression. For all of us, by all of us, the ultimate democracy. It brings us the sublime creativity of our fellow human beings. Listen. It brings us this:
That video was uploaded to YouTube by Sethtann.
Now there’s a song of praise for you. A brotherhood of man. Amen.
Feeling a little tingle?
Where could it take us from here?
Do you know the book, The Cluetrain Manifesto (TCM) ? If that book is not my religion, then it is at least my anthem. I will write a review of it one day. You can read it online for free here . It is about the wonder and importance of the internet. The last paragraph sums up all that I am about, my reason for being. It lights up my life. On the home page, scroll on down to the 95 Theses. You’ll get the idea.
I proudly take my position as a shill for TCM. If you run a business, if you want to share an idea, if you spend any time on the internet even just browsing, if you want to sell something or buy something, if you have a human voice, read this book. Human conversation has been suppressed for too long by jargon-bleating, party-line-towing corporate robotics. Nobody’s listening anymore. They might as well be talking Klingon. We’re all talking to one another instead. I’ll be a shill for that community any day. It’s where I’d love AGT to go.
But why PC?
Because they understand, whether by accident or intention I’m not certain, what is written in that most excellent book. And although I recognize they’re not in it to lose money, I also believe that fundamentally, they sincerely want to empower women.
I don’t get paid by Paula’s Choice. They did agree to work with me because I want to learn how the internet works. Paula’s Choice doesn’t control what I say and never try to. They don’t suggest topics or coordinate their activity with mine. Because I also want to understand how money moves on the internet, Paula’s Choice agreed to help set up an affiliate program where I receive 8% of sales that link to Paula’s Choice (PC) through A Greener Tea (AGT).
I’m not sure how much I have so far, maybe $35 or so. It doesn’t matter. I just want to know how the links are set up, how the counters work, and what this language sounds like. They’ve been very patient despite my blunders and haven’t laughed when I tried to speak this new language.
So, why not Apple or Title Nine? They also make a product I like and they talk to us like we’re real. It’s because I’m really into skin care, you see. PC is a small, affable, flexible, and accessible group of people who talk to you in a real human voice. They have a position - you never wonder what they’re about. They behave with rare and refreshing transparency at every level. They are closer to TCM than any other corporation I know. A woman at the helm only enhances the image, but that’s just me.
Sure, there are many businesses like this. I just haven’t got round to inviting them to the picnic yet.
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That was the title of a recent email. First, I had to look up the meaning of the word “shill”. The dictionary in my computer tells me that a shill is “an accomplice of a hawker, gambler, or swindler who acts as an enthusiastic customer to entice or encourage others”. The usage in everyday language is more relaxed, but still implies two agents working in concert to promote sales.
Read moreBook Review : Play Like A Man Win Like A Woman
August 22, 2008
-->The traditional, male way of doing business is not better than ours. Nor is it worse. It may be out-dated. It may not be productive or imaginative from a woman’s perspective. In fact, it may often be ethically and morally wrong. It is still undeniably real and it is a language that women need some functional understanding of to leverage the male corporate establishment.
Read moreTop 100 Women’s Health Blogs
August 19, 2008
Health and time … what woman doesn’t relate? These are two of the biggest concerns and interests in the lives of so many women. What if someone could hand you a list of terrific sites about every aspect of health and well-being over 40? It would save you hours and bring something greatly valuable to your life.
Kelly emailed recently to tell me that AGT had been included in Nursing School Search’s list of Top 100 Women’s Health Blogs. I’m sincerely honored.
I am also grateful to have that list because it has done the legwork for all of us. I’ve spent a lot of time at Google Blog Search and other blog directories looking for a list like that one, but been discouraged by the sheer number of results and not finding sites that I felt were written with me in mind.
This list is compiled precisely for women over 40. The topics include nutrition with 11 great blogs, exercise with 10, as well as physical and mental well-being, blogs discussing infertility, pregnancy, and child-rearing, and just being fabulous over 40.
On behalf of all of us, thank you, Kelly!
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Health and time … what woman doesn’t relate? These are two of the biggest concerns and interests in the lives of so many women. What if someone could hand you a list of terrific sites about every aspect of health and well-being over 40? It would save you hours and bring something greatly valuable to your life.
Read morePeel The Cleaning Slave Label Off Your Forehead
August 14, 2008
So the house is expected to look a certain way and it’s up to you to get it that way? So many of us have designated ourselves as the sole cleaners of our homes. Everyone else is reading or interacting with a screen while we haven’t sat down for two hours, trying to get laundry/lunches/more laundry looked after.
Read moreMy Mother Died
July 31, 2008
As many of you know who check in here now and again, my mother has been ill with Alzheimer’s disease. She was diagnosed in 2001. This week, she died in her sleep.
Read moreBill Bryson Wrote The Second Funniest Book I Know
July 21, 2008
f you recall any part of your childhood, you will meet your younger self in this book. It’s the account of a boy’s growing up in Iowa in the 1950s, but it’s the story of all of us. Wherever you grew up, small town or city, this book will feel like it’s partly about your life.
Read moreChange Lives At The Edge Of Your Comfort Zone
July 8, 2008
Did any of you have a chance to read the Beauty Bulletin dated June 26, 2008 from Paula’s Choice? The Beauty Bulletins are an easy to stay up to date on special promotions and the latest reviews. In this edition, Paula takes a departure from her product and consumer focused topics to tell a personal anecdote from her past. I LOVED this story.
Read more-
A Greener Tea
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