Are Sex and Power Opposites?

November 15, 2009

The best line in Color Me Beautiful’s Looking Your Best , of all unexpected places, on page 130.

“The more skin you show, the less authority you project.”

I take that to mean,

The more skin you show, the more power you give up.

Is that statement obvious to you? I never considered it to be either/or till I read that sentence. The more you want of one, the less you get of the other.

Is seduction weak?

I never, ever think about looking sexy. It absolutely does not enter my head. In my 20s, I worked at it. Now I don’t care. Since it’s a choice, I’d dress for power over seduction. Pay more attention to my ideas than my body parts.

No question, the more cleavage you show, the less seriously you are taken. It is noticed, but as a storefront. The only power it confers is like a physical blackmail… I own this and if you want it, then you have to blank. It feels weaker than stronger. It’s like a contest to see who’s willing to give away more than someone else to get the big prize … but what exactly is the prize? and why should we have to show more than a man to win? Is it a type of reverse sexual harassment, an un-requested but un-ignorable sexual advance?

You certainly cannot do it at work. The 2mm of cleavage Ms. Clinton revealed was too much. She reduced her ability to be taken seriously and she compromised the impact of her message. She also seemed somehow vulnerable to dumb advice, because she allowed fashion to override her instinct and sense. Assuming that the men on her playing field are wired differently is wrong.

Male magnet

When do men wear their shirt unbuttoned too far, or make any allowance for physical show from other men, in their business and casual dress? Showing too much skin would be a sign of vulnerability and ridicule, though it would be forgiven. Our rules are not different, though we would never be forgiven so easily in the workplace. Why do women agree to expose more skin and accept the consequence of weakness?

I talk to my daughters about giving too much away, or looking like you will. I used to think young girls displayed themselves as a competition with other girls. Needless to say, that is not what young men see. Or old men, for that matter. They see a bull’s eye. But I think the girls know this. There’s something predatorial about them too, not just the boys. At 16, I suppose you can show half your breasts and wear heavy black eyeliner. It’s almost a uniform. It is not an age group that is taken so seriously anyhow. What can I say, I’m a mom first. I don’t see anyone’s kids as the age they are. I see them as all the ages they’ve ever been.

What the girls think they’re getting and the real result of the display are, of course, not the same. Do the boys or men even care what their name is? Of course not. At that age, the desperation may be normal and maybe expected from a mating point of view. At 45, it’s less comfortable.

We’re too smart to choose to ignore the price. When you’re young, you have more optimism and ignorance than is safe. You don’t realize or don’t want to believe how differently men think. Women are contextual, they need a story to go with the picture. When describing a latest boyfriend, they describe his job, his strengths, not his looks. Men, every single one of them, including my husband, doctor, brother, employer, father, and son, are visual. Call me a pessimist, but I believe it’s true.

What NOT To Wear

This is not to say that we should all dress in long gray dresses, flat shoes, with a large wooden cross around our neck. My kids watch What Not To Wear. I only watch the hair segment because I deeply love Nick Arrojo, the hair guy. I would never have believed the hangup women have about chopping off long, dry, straggle-ended, downright ugly hair. His best line : “Well, you don’t look like a mermaid.” I’d crawl to him on all fours.

Gushing aside, even Stacy who works in the trend-enslaved fashion industry, does not show cleavage at work. She knows she’s not Madonna. Costumes and theater are expected from celebrities at all times. Not us. She doesn’t look masculine, but she is age and position appropriate. Dressing like you’re 20 is self-defeating, and you don’t want what it’s getting the 20 year olds anyhow.

I find it an interesting program. They begin with women who want to be invisible and make them provocative, the producers must tell them to, but they usually do it with clothing that still garners respect. It is noticed through quality, imagination, fit, but not cleavage.

An e-joke

Part of an email that made its way to me:

WOMEN ARE LIKE APPLES ON TREES. THE BEST ONES ARE AT THE TOP OF THE TREE. MOST MEN DON’T WANT TO REACH FOR THE GOOD ONES BECAUSE THEY ARE AFRAID OF FALLING AND GETTING HURT. INSTEAD, THEY JUST TAKE THE ROTTEN APPLES FROM THE GROUND THAT AREN’T AS GOOD, BUT EASY. THE APPLES AT THE TOP THINK SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH THEM, WHEN IN REALITY, THEY’RE AMAZING. THEY JUST HAVE TO WAIT FOR THE RIGHT MAN TO COME ALONG, THE ONE WHO’S BRAVE ENOUGH TO CLIMB ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP OF THE TREE.

A lighter topic at 12B

Have a look at Soft Autumn’s Jewelry. If True Autumn wears liquid heat, what does the cooler and softer version of Autumn wear?

Posted by Christine Scaman | Filed Under Happiness