10 Ways To Tell That Your Husband Hates Malls

February 5, 2009

There are no day trips I love better than going to the United States. I don’t buy a lot. I just like being there. I don’t need to go to a mall, though I always prefer it. The people are very nice and so wonderfully pleased to be themselves. It’s infectious. The Canadian angst about having too much fun fades for a day. You can just abandon yourself to being completely happy just being in the world. Americans suffer no inner torment about having too much fun.

Photo by christopher.woo

Unfortunately, and much as it irritates my empowered woman self, I cannot overcome my fear of driving in their cities. The roads are a spaghetti junction of choices, construction, and detours. I need my husband to drive me to the mall of the day. He has a built-in compass. I mean that quite literally. Watches stop ticking within 2 days of being strapped to his wrist. He can slow a computer down too so I keep mine in a room he never goes in.

… but then, I wish he could enter a suspended animation till I’m done. I’m jittery. This is how I can tell he wants to leave :

1. He wants to sightsee and take his time on the drive to get there. I want to speed and get jacked on coffee on the way.

2. He orders the same thing at Tim Horton’s and at Starbuck’s. Psychic barristas that they hire at Starbuck’s, they know better than to get into Venti and Grande with this guy. It’s “Large, black”.

3. If you go into a store together, he takes one trip round and asks “See anything you like?”

4. I get him to take the kids for lunch so I can have an hour alone. I return, sweat running down my back, to find them all lined up on a bench. I told him there was an Apple Store, an EBGames, but alas, no. All lined up on a bench.

5. He is impervious to the word Sale, and a little worried about my reaction to it. The amount of money he sees me changing at the border has the same effect (the worry part).

Photo by Saudi…

6. He has a phobia of dressing rooms and bathrooms. Both represent nothing but a huge inconvenience. This is why all his clothes come from Mark’s Work Wearhouse. He goes in twice a year, hands the girl at the cash the tags he’s ripped off his previous season’s selection, stocks up, and leaves. I must pretend not to notice, so inconceivable is it to me.

7. He’s not interested in the architectural details of the mall construction, skyways and such. I think the whole mood of a mall is very much influenced by the design details. I observe these things. He might notice if the benches were heated.

8. I try again to get 15 minutes alone. I return to find, you guessed it, all 4 of them lined up on a bench. And the kids are hungry. They’re in a Food Court !! How is it possible?

9. There is never anything he wants to buy. JCrew could be giving away merchandise and he’d walk right by.

10. He seems to have developed a new love of people-watching. He’ll sit there for 2 hours, till I cannot stand it anymore and it’s me that’s insisting on leaving.

Posted by Christine Scaman | Filed Under Outside The Box

Comments

5 Responses to “10 Ways To Tell That Your Husband Hates Malls”

Sonja on February 6th, 2009 1:45 am

Could you get him to drop you at the mall and come back tomorrow?
Rosalie Weiss on February 7th, 2009 11:52 am

It must come with age and wisdom but you learn if there is anyway you can go “shopping” by yourself and leave kids and males at home you are much better off. I realize that the Mall is not just down the street as here but your shopping will be much less stressed if you go unaccompanied by the above.

Can you not come up with a female friend that has a sense of direction and wants to spend the day in a US Mall? We have these newer discount malls where you could spend a week (Sawgrass) and get lost. I did in fact one time have to call the security to find my car and it took two hours cause it was out a completely different entrance.

Home Depot or the hardware store is ok but in my misery of having broken my foot before Xmas and clutching a $15.00 off coupon for a $35.00 purchase at Sephora, I timidly asked to be taken for a quick trip to Sephora before the coupon expired. I called Sephora to ask the best and quickest route to the store from the handicapped parking, but got so much misery that I gave up, tore up the coupon and said I was better off. AND our mall has all kinds of wonderful relaxing areas in the center of the mall.In January when they were giving a whole free bag of samples i managed to make it on my own !

My other story was wanting to go down and see Paula Begoun -Don’t go to the cosmetic counter without me- who was in town promoting but about an hour away and too long a drive for me with the bad foot. I convinced him to take me and he was going to go to the movies while I was there. This was just Barnes and Noble but that didn’t suit for 2 hours. Unfortunately while stopping at a gas station to get gas and driving out he sideswiped another car-an older Mercedes with his Infiniti and I thought i might get murdered let alone driven down to the lecture. It takes years to get anything fixed at the house but a scratch on the car needs immediate attention and this was much bigger. We got stuck in 5 pm traffic going to Miami and couldn’t have dinner except for a fast stop but I did get to see and meet Paula. She didn’t say much that i didn’t already know but she is, of course, quite an outgoing woman. I will comment further on the email I owe you directly.

Gotta go. I am driving myself!
Christine Scaman on February 9th, 2009 8:29 pm

Rosalie, my friend,

Shopping alone is but a dream for me. 3 kids, 2 jobs, it goes on and on…
I sympathize with your mishap in Florida. We once got stuck in Christmas Eve traffic in Quebec City, trying to turn left, a lunch date. I had no idea it was the only mall in the city. If he didn’t divorce me that day, he never will. 45 minutes to go 500 feet and then 20 minutes to find a parking space. Oh, it was a special day.
They just cannot comprehend the importance of shopping. My best solution is to send them all to a movie while I shop. I still have sweat running down my back, but it’s happy sweat!
gina on February 11th, 2009 5:30 pm

Wait until your kids are older and you are trying yo shop for something for them as well as yourself…husband in tow. His response to anything is with force authority and power. Reminiscent of South Park’s “respect my authority” is the cry when we are in shopping mode. Made the mistake of trying to stop at the mall on the way home from a soccer weekend….dear lord….son was exhausted having slept for an hour and half in the car and Dad was raring to keep the train moving in the westerly direction and home. Went in got to American Eagle where I found the pants Alex needed for work but looked around and no Alex. Checked on the bench in the hall where I found the father but no sign of Alex. Big mistake… as soon as he saw me his eyes lit up that I was done and we were on our way. Heart sunk, stomach twisted as I knew what would ensue. Sure enough there was Dad, off and running with a mission….find the boy, return him to AE, and get the hell back on the road. Poor child was in the bathroom. Heard the conversation (my husband is anything but quiet) from the other end of the mall.
Never again.
Malls with just Alex are fine. We arrange a meeting time and go off on our own….it is just the husband.

Don’t need ten signs ….one is enough….until then malls will be like gourmet restaurants when our children were small…. a distant light that we could salivate over.
Christine Scaman on February 18th, 2009 3:51 pm

Gina,

I can see (and hear) it all now. Why, oh why, do we put ourselves through it??

I had a very successful shopping trip recently. Husband and male child crossed a border to go to a hockey game. Wife and daughters got 6 hours!!!!!!!!!!!! Sadly, mall closed in 3 hours, very sad, but we got to see Shopaholic.

We’re all learning, only took 15 years !! Smart like a dumptruck, I is.